


free me - a tris prior divergent fanfiction

by MillieR



Category: Divergent (Movies), Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Abuse, Eating Disorders, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-23 15:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 23,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23213902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MillieR/pseuds/MillieR
Summary: Tris is being abused by her father at home before she makes a decision that will change her life forever. Will it free her? Or will it be worse? should she have stayed with the devil she knew? how will she deal with her past, present, and future trauma? And how will a certain blue eyed boy fit in to her new life?I suck at summariestw - self harm, suicidal thoughts, sexual assault, child abuse, eating disorders impliedall of the usual shipsstarts of slow and similar to the book but it gets better i promise:)
Relationships: Christina/Will (Divergent), Four | Tobias Eaton/Tris Prior/Original Character(s), Marlene/Uriah Pedrad, Zeke Pedrad/Shauna
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Some of this will feel taken straight out of the book, but i needed it similar but slightly different and this is the way i thought to do it:)  
> hope you like it, also i think some of these chapters suck as I was up all night working on it and going delusional because of coronavirus :)

I screamed through my teeth as I felt Andrew’s belt slash open my already raw skin for the first time that evening. It was the night before the choosing ceremony and he’d said he had wanted to say goodbye properly.

He knew I was leaving. He wasn’t stupid. I doubted he cared much, he was probably grateful to no longer have to have me around causing him this rage, which he then has to take out on me so he is able to deal with it.

It’s okay. I deserved it. I was the bane of his existence, and for housing me for all these years it was only fair that I acted as an outlet for the turmoil that my existence had placed upon him. Besides, he used to say he only did it to help me – to make me stronger and so I could learn my lesson.

After about 20 hits with the belt, the pain became so much that I could almost not feel it anymore. I breathed through it, telling myself ‘pain is temporary’ and that ‘it was all in my head. I could control it’.

It was somewhat amusing to me that Andrew seemed to know that I was going to leave him long before I did. It seems like the logical choice, of course, to escape this abuse, but for me the choice had not been so easy. I knew what life was like here, and although it was pretty terrible, I didn’t have any faith that the rest of the factions would have been any better to live in.

 _What if every faction had an Andrew Prior who would hurt me? What if they were worse?_ I’d thought. _The devil you know._

Also, all that I had left of my mom had been here in Abnigation and I didn’t want to leave her behind. She’d been dead eight years and sometimes my memories of her became blurry in my mind. I feared that if I left her here, I’d forget her for good.

There was also the matter of my brother, Caleb. He’d never faced any of our father’s abuse himself, but he’d played witness to mine. I didn’t expect him to stand up to Andrew, that could get him hurt, but he never even acknowledged it to me, pretending as if there was nothing wrong. I was unsure of what Caleb was going to pick at the ceremony – he’d always been the poster child for the perfect Abnigation boy, but he’d also excelled particularly well in school. If Caleb picked Abnigation, I feared that Andrew would take his anger out on Caleb if I left him there, and although he’d never expressed any care for me, I couldn’t leave him there to get hurt.

Whether Caleb would leave for Erudite or choose to stay in Abnigation was still up for debate in my mind, but what was for certain was that he would definitely not be choosing dauntless – he had never been one for bravery or violence, which I was grateful for as it gave me some shred of hope that the violent characteristic had not been passed down from Andrew to us.

That led me to my next point of contempt: the only faction I’d ever wanted to be a part of was Dauntless. Their bravery and their skill was something I aspired to have, but it also came with fighting and violence, which I had nothing against inherently, but I was afraid of turning into my father, taking my anger out on those I was supposed to care for and love the most.

The biggest thing that made me unsure of which faction I would be choosing tomorrow, however, was my general distaste for my own life. I was depressed and struggled to care at all for life in general. Sometimes I didn’t want for anything, I just wanted to die or to disappear. I didn’t want to make a choice and I didn’t want to put effort into changing factions, so I could just stay here until Andrew inevitably kills me.

That was an idea I had played around with in my head quite favourably.

Eventually deciding I should just trust the test result so I wouldn’t have to make the choice myself was a good plan I had thought, until today when my results came back as inconclusive. Divergent. Or, more specifically, Abnigation, Erudite, and Dauntless.

I had been filled with dread and my confusion returned. After the test administrator, Tori, sent me home, I had a panic attack before Andrew and Caleb returned home, overwhelmed by all that was going on.

Sometimes I took a perverse joy in the pain from the belt, because at least it was a pain I could focus on, as apposed to my scattered thoughts.

It wasn’t until I thought back to how I felt as Tori was telling me the results that I knew I had to leave. Before I had processed the fact that I had three results when I was only supposed to have one, the dread I had felt when she had told me ‘Abnigation’ and the spark of desire which had been ignited by the ‘Dauntless’ result told me all I needed to know about what I needed to choose.

Dauntless gave me hope. I hadn’t felt that in a long time. I had to go with my gut.

After Andrew finished beating me, I went to clean my wounds, bandaging them up, for the last time. I took a shower and relished in how the water stung my back and at the new angry red additions I had just made to my wrist. I could breathe.

For the first time in eight years, I could breathe again. I was getting out of here.

It was only now, since I knew I was definitely leaving, that my brain began to process how wrong all of this was, and how much I really did desire to escape, even if I hadn’t admitted it to myself before.

After my shower, I got dressed for the night and entered the kitchen for a glass of water, spotting Caleb was in there too I avoided his eyes. I knew that Andrew would long since have been asleep, as he always blacked out from the alcohol which he downed every night after my beating.

“Beatrice?” Caleb asked tentatively. There was a lot of pressure and tension between us tonight, and his question hung in the air for a little longer than comfortable, before I looked up at him in response.

I couldn’t make out whether his eyes were misty or if it was just the light playing tricks.

“Tomorrow, you have to think of yourself.” He told me with his voice full of unshed emotion. I knew what he meant. He was telling me to get safe, and to get away from Andrew. It was the first time he’d even partially acknowledged how wrong our situation was, and I had to swallow my own emotion. Maybe the promise of freedom had given him a new perspective too.

Being unable to find my own words, I met his gaze and nodded. Caleb started to leave the room, but paused just before he exited. “I’m so sorry” He whispered, almost inaudible without turning to face me, before continuing his walk to his room.

I let a singular tear fall down my cheek, and I breathed a deep breath of acceptance. I forgave him within a second, although I wasn’t sure I could ever forget.

I returned to my room and buried my head beneath the covers, begging sleep to take me soon, so I could escape.


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The choosing ceremony

I sat next to Caleb at the choosing ceremony, with him between myself and Andrew, and waited for our names to be called by Marcus, Abnegation’s leader.

Marcus was Andrew’s best friend, and I knew of the rumours which were spreading about him abusing his son, Tobias Eaton, before he deferred to Dauntless two years prior. I’d never met his son, but judging by the vibes I got off of Marcus, and his taste in friends, made me think that the were likely true. I guess friends that beat their children together, stay together.

“Caleb Prior” Marcus’ voice boomed, and Caleb dutifully got up and took the knife, standing in front of each bowl of elements representing each faction. I watched as he dragged the knife against his hand and let his blood drip into the Erudite bowl without hesitation. “Erudite” Marcus called out, solidifying his choice. Caleb met my eyes for a second and I gave him a small nod and forced smile which he returned.

I felt Andrew tense in the chair one over from me – he hadn’t exactly anticipated that.

“Beatrice Prior”

I walked to the front, trying to supress my rising anxiety, and grabbed the knife. I brought it to my hand and pressed down hard. I held out my hand over the hot coal and let my blood drip down onto it.

“Dauntless”

Despite the rough and uneasy nature of Marcus’ voice, I suddenly felt free and my anxieties left me. I came to sit in the Dauntless section, being cheered and congratulated by them as I did so.

I allowed myself to smile slightly and have a sliver of hope that this would work out.

After sitting through the rest of the ceremony the rest of the dauntless section started running, and I followed along with the other transfers.

I ignored the pain in my back, and the burning in my lungs, and climbed up to the train tracks. I’d seen the dauntless jump on and off of this train many times and always been envious, andnow was my chance.

As the train came racing by, we ran next to it, preparing to jump. I wasn’t worried about keeping up, I’d always enjoyed running since I was a little girl. I used to sneak out in the middle of the night and run around the empty school track field, seeing if I could beat my time each night. It had been freeing.

I did, however, get distracted and nearly forget to jump on to the train, making me one of the last ones on.

As I swung around into the carriage, I bumped into a girl with short dark brown hair dressed in black and white – Candor. “Sorry” I breathed out, and she smiled at me her forgiveness.

“You made it.” She stated, raising an eyebrow as she noticed my grey abnegation outfit. I smiled back at her.

I had never been one to make friends, but now I figured I could use as many as I could get, and she seemed nice enough.

“I’m Christina.” She told me, hand outstretched. I shook it.

“Beatrice” I told her, resentful of how my name tasted in my mouth.

We chatted for the rest of the ride until a commotion started.

They were jumping out of the train, on to a building, with a fairly large gap between.

“They really are trying to kill us” said Christina.

We stood, preparing to jump. Hesitating for a second, we looked to each other. “Together?” she asked, reaching out for my hand.

“Together” I nodded, taking hers.

We ran out of the carriage and landed on the stony building. I felt the cuts on my back scream in pain, but I didn’t care.

I was free.

And I was a coward no longer.

Christina and I laughed off the jump, before gathering with the rest of dauntless around a big hole, in front of Eric, one of the dauntless leaders.

“One of you will have to jump first, so who will it be?” He asks, and no one volunteers, not even the dauntless born.

I step forward, I wanted to prove that I was going to be different, a coward no-more, not to Eric, or to the rest of dauntless, or even to Andrew, but to myself. Plus, I had always loved heights anyway, and I had to assume it would be frowned upon to ask an initiate to jump to her death on the first day. “Me” I declare, face emotionless.

Eric raises an eyebrow in surprise, but steps back, allowing me to approach the big hole. It was picth black, so whether there was water or anything to catch us at the bottom was left uncertain, but I didn’t care.

I removed my jumper and stepped up onto the ledge. I breathed in deep before stepping off into the hole.

For a second I felt like a bird, like I was flying, and everything went in slow motion, until a net cut into my back. But I didn’t scream. I couldn’t show weakness.

I breathed out a small laugh before the net was pulled to the side, bringing me face to face with a man with dark blue eyes, a strong set jaw, and plump lips. He had a stern expression on his face.

“What, you get pushed?” He asked me in a deep voice.

I shook my head before finding my voice. “No.” I stated, proud of how strong I’d managed to sound.

He helped me down from the net, and I refused to wince as my cuts became agitated. “What’s your name?” He asked.

I faltered. I had always hated the name Beatrice, it’s what Andrew called me, and it also belonged to an old woman, not me.

“Is it a hard one?” he raised his eyebrow. “You can pick a new one if you want, but make it good, you wont get to pick again.” He told me.

“Tris” I stated, remembering my Mom’s nickname for me when she was alive. I knew it would bring me strength and make me somewhat happy to be called that again, reminding me of her every time someone greeted me. Reminding me to make her proud.

“First jumper, Tris!” Four called out, and I could have sworn for a second I saw his stern demeanour falter. I could have sworn I saw pride flash in his eyes.

I walked to the side of the room to watch the rest of the initiates fall.


	3. chapter 3

After we were split into groups of ‘Dauntless born’ and ‘Transfers’ and were showed around the building by the man, Four, who had helped me off of the net, and who was also our instructor, we were sent to get changed into our new dauntless clothes. I was a much bigger fan of these than of my old Abnigation frock, however getting dressed without letting anyone see the bandages on my back proved to be a hard skill to crack, but I managed.

Watching my Abnigation clothes burn satisfied something within me which I hadn’t realised was there, and it acted as further confirmation that I had made the right decision.

Christina had seemed to have taken a liking to me as I did her, and she had already professed to me that we were to be best friends within the week, and together we went to find seats in the cafeteria. We sat with two other transfer boys, and I was sat one seat away from Four, which was mildly uncomfortable, but I tried to block him out.

I picked at the piece of food on my place curiously. “Have you never seen a hamburger before?” Christina asked me incredulously.

“No I’ve seen one, I just have never eaten one.” I confessed, still examining the piece of meat.

“Abnegation eat plain food, they survive on a simple plant-based diet with minimal seasoning” Said the brown haired boy with a kind face who sat across from me smiling.

“Oh yeah? Which textbook did you swallow?” Christina teases, to which he laughs.

“Nice to meet you too, I’m Will, Erudite” He introduces himself, smiling at Christina whilst tucking into his food.

She raises her eyebrows at him, “Of course you are” she laughs, turning to me. “No offence but I’m surprised Abnegation even eat at all – too selfish, right? No wonder you left.”

I laugh a little, trying to brush off the memories of Andrew serving me miniscule portions of food and not letting me finish it because “you shouldn’t be greedy Beatrice”.

Will continues the conversation, thankfully meaning I didn’t have to answer. “Well you have to be pretty self-confident to be friends with a Candour. They have no filter!”

“You mean like ‘you’re an idiot’?” The big blonde guy who sat next to him jokes back.

“Nice one Al, at least we tell the truth.” Christina retorts to Will.

They continue engaging in a somewhat flirty banter about their old factions, until the conversation is interrupted by Four.

“I don’t want to hear about your old factions. You’re dauntless now.” He states and looks away, putting an end to our conversation and allowing for akwardness to creep in.

I don’t know what came over me. I must have had a mini-stroke or something, because I’m suddenly asking him if he was a transfer too.

“Are you kidding?” He asks with a dangerous glint in his eye.

“No” I reply. You would have thought that by now I might have learnt when to shut my mouth, especially when talking to men in authority over me.

“What makes you think you can talk to me?” He asks, before turning away again.

I don’t know if it’s because of my new found freedom of transferring to Dauntless, or if it’s because people are always braver when they have friends to back them up, but I refuse to look away or to concede to him and his ego. “Must be because you’re so approachable” I sarcastically comment, to which Will chokes a little on his drink.

I eventually look away after realising what I just did. What if he was the _new Andrew_ which I had been so worried about, and I had just challenged him and his authority. Although I had a feeling that all of his hardened exterior was a façade, I couldn’t know for sure, and I shouldn’t have said that unless I did. I was being stupid.

“Careful Tris” He said, before getting up to talk with the other dauntless leaders and instructors. _Was this a threat? A warning? What did he mean?_

I turned back to my new friends and was met with teasing and pride, which helped to ease my mind for a second.

After lunch, we started training for the first time, and we found out that if we didn’t place high enough in the rankings at the end of each stage of training, then we would become factionless. This worried me slightly, but I knew I could do it.

Despite not having had decided on my faction of choice until the day before, I had always envied the dauntless skill, so I used to practice every day. I made my own punching bags out of supplies I stole from school art rooms, and threw knives I stole from the kitchen. I even found a gun in a box of my mum’s hidden things when I was ten, but when I practiced with that I had to go far away from any houses so that no one could hear me, so I didn’t get to do that as often.

All I knew was I was prepared.

I couldn’t use my skills to fight against Andrew, he was far too powerful, physically and in society, but now I could use them, and grow on them.


	4. chapter 4

Over the next week and a half, we continue training as usual with guns, running, and sparring. My back had started to heal, quicker than usual as new cuts weren’t being placed upon it every night, but not as fast as they would if I weren’t training all day every day.

I had come to the conclusion that I did not like Eric at all. He wasn’t an instructor, but as a leader he would sometimes come into our training sessions. He always seemed to be in a power struggle with Four, who wasn’t even participating. I think that’s why Eric was second choice for leader – he wants it too much, whereas Four doesn’t care about having all of the power, as long as he’s doing right.

I had also become closer to Will, Al, and Christina, and true to her word she now considered me her best friend, as I did her – not that she had much competition.

Chritsina and Will seemed to be growing closer in a different way, however, and their flirtatious looks and banter seemed to increase by the day. It was no secret that they liked each other, and I was happy for them.

I just wish that Al would stop trying to flirt like that with me. Not only did I not understand why he would want me of all people, but I didn’t like him like that and I was beginning to think that everyone, or at least every man, in my life wanted to take something from me, and I had nothing left to give. More than that though, I wasn’t ready for a relationship even if I did like Al. I just needed to focus on getting through training.

In this week, the ‘honeymoon phase’ of transferring had worn off and I was beginning to feel the familiar arms of my depression embrace me once more, however that triggered my anxiety into worrying that I would fall behind on training and become factionless. On my second night here I had managed to find a blade in the training equipment which I stole and hid to use when in the shower to bring myself some sort of clarity in my mind. I made sure to only shower whilst everyone was at lunch as it meant that there would be no one around to catch me.

We weren’t meant to skip any meals as they didn’t want us passing out in training, but I had been running on empty for so long that it didn’t affect me so much. I always told Christina that I wasn’t hungry, and made an effort to act as if I ate a lot at breakfast and dinner by moving my food around my plate in a way which Andrew had taught me to do when we had company. I didn’t know if I wasn’t eating because I couldn’t get Andrew out of my head, because of my depression, because of my anxiety, as another way to self-harm, or a winning combination of them all. All I knew is I didn’t want to eat, and no one was going to force me to.

Today in training, Eric put Molly, the last jumper, and I to fight “until one of you can’t continue”

“Or until one of you concedes.” States Four. I’d say he seemed concerned, but he was a master as concealing his emotions.

Eric shakes his head. “Old rules. New rules – no one concedes”. Molly and I get ready in position to fight as they argue amongst themselves, with Eric having the final say leaving Four tense.

Molly and I fight. I don’t have much experience fighting with people, but I was confident in my abilities. I am winning the fight until she elbows me in the back, on a not-properly healed belt lash, and knocking the wind out of me, and making my dizzy with the memories of Andrew. For a second my body goes into autopilot, remembering Andrew’s beatings and how I was not to fight back, so I stop fighting, losing my upper hand. She takes advantage of my lack of balance and knocks me to the ground. I start to feel dizzy, and I start to realise why eating has its perks. Molly then punches me in the side of my head, and the world goes black.

I awake a couple of minuets later and am handed an ice pack by Four, who then leaves me with my friends without saying a word.

“Are you okay? I could have sworn you had her” Chris says, concerned.

I nod, discarding the ice pack and walking back over to the punching bags. “Yeah, I lost focus I guess.” I tell her, which wasn’t a lie.

I was embarrassed but hoped the rankings weren’t affected too much. The knowledge that over the next few weeks many more people would have to fight like this, and someone was inevitably going to lose each time, brought me some piece of mind.

I went back to hitting the bag next to Christina, trying to shake away the memories of Andrew. I still had nightmares of him every night. Some were memories, some were dreams of him finding me, and some were the people around me beginning t act like him, because I drive everyone who gets close to me, to abusive insanity.

Later that night Christina, Will, Al, and I explore the pit, and come across Tori’s tattoo shop.

“Do you remember me?” I asked her, to which she looked at me, seemingly angry, and replied “I just do tattoos.”

I nodded and walked away, returning within the next minuet. “I told you I just do tattoos.” She tells me again before turning to me and noticing the template I have in my hand.

“I’d like this one.” I tell her, handing her the template of three birds.

Tori takes me into the room in which she does the tattoo and sits me down. “There are cameras everywhere, they are always watching.”

“Who are? What do they want with me? Why Does it matter that I’m…” I pause “Divergent?” I whisper despite knowing that there are no cameras in here, otherwise she wouldn’t have told me that.

Tori then goes on to tell me about her divergent brother who was discovered in the second half of training – the mental. He was thrown into the chasm and they faked a suicide, but she knew.

By the end of the tattoo, Tori’s face had softened, and she looked at me with pity. “I don’t know how Tris, but you have to find a way to get through the second half of training undetected. I’m rooting for you.” She told me, before covering my tattoo in some sort of cream. “You’re all done.” She tells me and I thank her and leave, allowing for Christina to take her turn.

Once everyone has finished with their tattoos, Christina takes me shopping where we buy way too many clothes and makeup. “I need a belt to go with my new jeans!” She exclaimed, rushing around the next store.

This was an odd experience for me, as in my old faction is was far too selfish to buy new things for yourself. Too vain. But now I’m able to have fun making myself feel good in nice outfits and makeup, and I didn’t understand why that was such a crime.

Picking up three different black belts of different styles and sizes, Christna shows them to me expectantly. “Which one?” she asks me and I laugh.

“You can’t honestly be asking me? A couple of weeks ago I was wearing a grey frock.” Christina nods.

“very true” she says, smiling.

Finally deciding on one, Christina puts two of the belts back and holds up one. “I like this one the best, it’s simple and won’t draw away from my outfit” she declares, smiling at herself.

I smile back at her “nice”, I know nothing about fashion and she knows this, so I felt no need to pretend.

“Come on, Tris, we have to get back in time for our curfew, otherwise we might get beat.” Christina jokes, playfully lashing me on the leg with the belt.

Suddenly my breath catches in my throat and I feel as if I can’t breathe.

 _No,_ I think, _You cannot have a panic attack in front of anyone at dauntless. They’ll know you’re a coward._

To distract myself from my rising anxiety, I subtly scratch at the angry red lines on my wrist through my shirt, and force a smile to Christina, but she sees through it, partially at least.

“Oh sorry!” She exclaims. “Did that actually hurt? I meant to do it lightly I swear!” I laugh at her, and internally mock myself, as it didn’t hurt and yet I’m still freaking out about it.

“No, you’re good.” I tell her, smiling once more as we make our way back to the initiate’s quarters. In a way, her unnecessary apology eased my anxiety slightly, as it confirmed to me that she was nothing like Andrew, and would never intentionally hurt me.

Christina was a better friend than I could ever have imagined myself having, even if she hadn’t managed to take my mind off of Andrew, she took my mind off of my failure in my fight with Molly very successfully, and I am so grateful to her.


	5. chapter 5

Over the next few days, Eric chose to have Christina fight Molly, and she conceded, much to Eric’s dismay, and his response was to dangle her from the chasm for five minuets as punishment. A boy named Andrew and I helped her up after the time ran out, and I felt as Christina shook against me, and as she subtly squeezed my hand to help her hold back her tears to not seem weak again.

Now we were training and everyone was working on their own things. I was on the punching bags when Four came up to me. I could feel his presence looming before he announced himself. I wasn’t sure if that was because of my observational skills, or because of the weight of his presence, but either way I was now much more conscious of every move I made.

After watching me for a minuet he finally broke the silence. “You’re small.” He told me and I stopped what I was doing to look at him with an eyebrow raised. “and you’re weak”

“you’re never going to win, not like that.” I rolled my eyes at his vague commentary before turning back to what I was doing.

I wanted to learn, but he wasn’t helping. Also, I knew my technique with Molly the other day had been fine, it was the getting distracted that had me lose, so I wasn’t entirely sure he knew what he was talking about.

Although, judging by his muscles visible through his t-shirt, and how he came first in his class, he did.

“Good to know” I replied after he didn’t leave.

“yep, you need to use your whole body, keep tension here” He told me, putting his hand around my torso, shocking me.

I wasn’t a fan of physical contact, but I was feeling a million different things at once, and if I didn’t know any better, from the split-second of which I looked into his eyes, I would have said he was feeling the same.

“Don’t stay on offence. You’re fast, so you could win if you attack first with quick jab to the throat.” He tells me, his eyes burn holes in the side of my head but I can’t bring myself to look at him with his stare so intense.

“Four!” Eric calls, and Four almost jumps back, as if having been caught doing something he shouldn’t.

Four turns to me one last time before heading off, saying “you have less muscle than what you started with, stop skipping meals if you want to win. You won’t feel as weak, and you’ll gain back muscle.”

My stomach drops. I really thought I had been able to escape lunch without anyone noticing.

But why didn’t he report me?

Was he concerned?

Or was he just trying to do his job as it would reflect badly on him if I failed?

I tried to shake Four out of my head and keep going with training, but I couldn’t help it. I could still feel the ghost of his hand on my stomach, and I didn’t know if I was uncomfortable or if I liked it. And suddenly I could think of nothing else.

The next day we started throwing knives. This was what I had been looking forward to, it had been my favourite thing to practice back in Abnegation, and I was pretty good.

However, Al not so much. By the end of the session, everyone had hit the target at least once, apart from him. I hoped that Eric hadn’t noticed, but when he strode over to Al, I knew all hope was lost.

“Go pick it up.” He instructed, as all of Al’s knives had failed, and had bounced into another initiate’s line of fire.

“Whilst they’re still throwing?” he asked, fear evident in his eyes.

“What initiate? Are you scared?” Eric challenged, and I stopped throwing. I could feel Four’s eyes in the back of my head, and as I turned to meet them, it was obvious he was trying to tell me to leave the situation alone. I turned back to Al.

“Of being stabbed by an airborne knife? Yeah.” Al confessed and I cringed.

Eric might have forgiven him had he refused, as that was a bold act, but Eric was not one to forgive cowardice.

I was proven right as Eric had everyone stop throwing and instead had Al stand in front of the target.

“Eyes open. If you flinch, you’re out.” He instructed, as Four gathered three knives ready to throw.

Christina and Will looked worried. They knew as well as I did that Al would not make it. I knew Four wouldn’t hit him, but Al would definitely flinch, and he would be factionless. I couldn’t let this happen to him, I had to do something.

“stop.” I said, just before Four threw his first knife, and he gave me a look that all but begged me to shut up. “anyone can stand in front of a target, it doesn’t prove anything.” I said, causing Eric to switch our places.

To be honest, I wasn’t a hundred percent certain that I wouldn’t flinch, but after learning how not t flinch away from Andrew, as it made him more mad, I figured I was a better bet than Al. Also, if I ended up factionless so be it, but I couldn’t live with myself if I left l leave when I could have done something about it.

I also trusted that Four wouldn’t actually hit me, because no matter what he tried to convince everyone of, he wasn’t as scary as people made him out to be.

Four threw the first knife just above my shoulder, but Eric wasn’t happy with the safe throws.

The next landed right above my head, and the final one nicked the tip of my ear.

I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“points for bravery stiff, but not as many as you just lost for opening your mouth.” Eric told me, before sending everyone out to lunch, leaving just me and Four alone.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Despite his words which could be deemed as caring, his expression remains hard.

“You cut me.” I told him, but I knew he meant to.

“You think he was going to let you off without a scratch? You’re supposed to be smart, Tris”

“And you think I could just stand there and watch my friend get made factionless? I _was_ being smart, and pragmatic.” I informed him, annoyed at not only his patronising tone, but him telling me what I was or wasn’t supposed to be.

“Careful Tris” He told me, repeating those same words from my first day at dauntless.

“What does that even mean? Why do you care if I’m careful or not?” I demand, but he doesn’t answer. I sigh, frustrated, starting to leave. “and besides, I thought we’re meant to be brave, not smart, being more than one thing would be… petrifying, right?” I said before walking out, and I swear I saw a flash of fear in his eyes.

I know I shouldn’t have made a joke about divergence, especially to my instructor, but he was getting under my skin.

Speaking of which, I went off to shower. I had two showers a day, one in the evening when most of the initiates shower, to get off the sweat, and one now for privacy.

Once I am finished in the shower, I wrap my towel around me, walking towards my pile of clothes, but before I start to get dressed, I hear something, and suddenly Drew, Molly, and Peter are stood around me, smirking.

“Didn’t know you were so skinny, Stiff.” Molly commented.

“She looks like a twelve year old boy.” Peter laughed. “Come on Stiff, show us what else you have to offer, there must be something good you’re hiding under there.” He says before reaching out and ripping my towel from me.

His eyes take me in, greedily and critically all at once. I am shocked and for a second I can’t move. After a few more mean comments about my body pass, Peter starts laughing harder.

“Oh my god, what a coward, look at her arms, the attention seeking whore” he says to me, and I press my arms against myself, trying to cover up any remaining dignity I had – which I wasn’t sure there was any right now.

At the very least, I had to make sure they didn’t see my back, so I quickly backed out of the bathroom stalls, running towards my pile of stuff, and chucking on a long sleeved shirt first, just in-case they came to find me to mock me some more. Then I put on my underwear, including a sports-bra, which I put on underneath my shirt whilst I still had it on – I didn’t want to take any chances.

Then finally, I tugged on my trousers, put on a hoodie, some socks, some trainers, and I left.

Part of me wanted to find Christina and ask for a hug, but I didn’t want to rely on other people, I had learnt a long time ago that other people just hurt you, so instead I went to train some more for the remainder of lunch. I didn’t wash my hair until the evenings so no one could tell I had showered.

Within the next twenty minutes, people started filing in again, and Christina walked over to me sensing something was up. “What is it?” She asked, concerned. I shook my head and breathed deep.

“Nothing.” I told her, but couldn’t stop my gaze from flickering over to Peter, Molly, and Drew.

“Okay, next fighting is Stiff and Peter.” Eric commanded.

I felt sick. Not because of what had just happened, or even because I was scared to fight Peter, who was ranked the second highest, but because I was happy about it. I wanted to hurt Peter, and I started to worry that I was turning into my father. But I could deal with that later, first I had to use this to my advantage to win this fight.

“It’s Eric, he’s mad about you standing up to him.” Christina told me, I nodded in agreement.

On my way to the ring, Four grabs my arm, to which I flinch back. I’m not scared of Four, and I’m not flinching at the pain in my arms either, but I guess today affected me more than I realised.

I don’t like people touching me at the best of times, but now I felt disgusting.

Four seemed to feel offended, guilty, and concerned for a second, before resuming his mask of stone. “Remember what I said, punch right to the throat. And watch him, Peter steps before he punches.”

I nod, before taking my place opposite Peter.

“Was that a birthmark on you left butt cheek?” He smirked at me, ovboiously trying to psych me out. “God you really are pale _everywhere_ aren’t you Stiff?” He winked.

Part of me was embarrassed because I didn’t know what the others must be thinking had happened between us, and for some reason I really didn’t want Four to think that of me, but as of right now I was blinded by anger.

Peter goes to make the first move, stepping before he does, and I jab him in the throat as Four told me to do, shocking him. He tires to throw his weight into a punch, but as he steps forward, I duck and punch him in the stomach, quickly slipping by and rasing my hands, ready for his next attempt. He charges at me, frustrated now, and I dodge it, and block his next attack with my forearm, he groans ans attempts to kick my side, which I dodge, taking advantage of his lack of balance I elbow him in the jaw. He punches me in the ribs and I stumble, taking the time to notice how high his hands are, not protecting his stomach or ribs, so I uppercut his stomach and swipe his legs from under him. I kick him in the ribs a couple of times before I start on his face. I see blood everywhere and soon Four grabs my shoulder.

“Tris!” He calls me back to reality. “he’s out. You won. Stop.” He instructs, looking at me wide-eyed, pulling me away. “Do you need to take a walk?” He asks, he seemed mad at me, but he didn’t know the full story. He didn’t know why Peter deserved what he got.

I shake my head. “No” I breathe out, looking around at my friend’s faces, trying to decide whether they are proud or concerned, then at everyone else’s shocked faces, before seeing Eric’s shocked but impressed look on his face.

Eric was proud of me.

Andrew would have been proud of me.

I was suddenly disgusted with myself and what I had done.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m okay now. Sorry.” I say quietly to Four, who releases his hold on me, giving me a small nod of what I want to say is understanding.


	6. chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ferris wheel capture the flag game

Later that night, everyone, including a semi-functional Peter, jump onto the train to “play some dauntless games” according to Eric.

On the way there, I keep noticing Four looking my way, but I don’t understand why. _Is he still mad at me for earlier? What grounds did he have to be mad at me on? Is it something else?_

Four comes and dumps a bag of supplies on the floor in front of us, making everyone turn to look at him. “It’s simple, It’s like capture the flag” He says.

“This is the weapon we are using,” Eric begins, and at Molly’s snickers, he shoots out a dart and she collapses in pain. “neuro stim dart, stimulated the pain of a real bullet, but will only last a couple of minutes.

“Two teams, Four and I are captains”

Four tells him to pick first, and he picks Edward – a big strong guy who helped Christina when Eric had her over the chasm.

Then Four surprises everyone by saying “I’ll take the stiff”. I can’t lie, it hurt hearing him call me ‘Stiff’, even though it’s what most people have taken to calling me, he never had done… until now.

That pain was mostly dulled by the surprise and embarrassment I felt over being picked though.

“Picking the weak ones so you’ll have someone to blame it on when you lose?” Eric asks, although I don’t understand how he can call me weak when I just knocked out Peter.

I am, again, hurt when Four says “something like that” in reply. His strategy is based on me being weak, and I don’t care for it. Maybe he _is_ still mad about earlier.

Eventually everyone has been split int two teams, including the dauntless born who joined us, nd when I look at Four’s team again, I realise he hasn’t picked the weak ones, he’s picked the more tacticle and fast of us. I meet his eyes and we share a knowing look, and I allow a small smile to grace my face.

The teams split up into two, ours is out by the Ferris Wheel arguing and talking over each other. No one can get a word in and no one is making any sense.

I spot the Ferris Wheel and realise that from there, we’ll be able to see where they put their flag.

One of the perks of being small and plain is that I can sneak off without anyone noticing that I am gone, or at least so I thought.

I had started climbing the wheel, when I heard Four’s voice behind me. He had noticed. He had followed me.

I wondered for a second if that meant something.

“You’re not going to jump, are you?” He asked and I scoffed a laugh.

It was funny to me because a few weeks ago I might have considered it. Whilst, now, I didn’t much care whether I lived or died, I wasn’t actively seeking death, which was an improvement.

“No, I’m just trying to get a god vantage point” I told him, continuing my ascent up the wheel.

“Good idea” I heard him say, before he breathed deep and started following me up.

“You don’t have to come with me.” I tell him.

“You should take it easy, you haven’t been eating, and you had a fight today, you’re probably running on straight adrenaline.”

I rolled my eyes at him, though he couldn’t see.

“Just because you don’t see something doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I eat.” I snapped at him.

“Not enough.” He says, unphased by my sharp tone.

I sigh. “Plus, I won that fight, it’s not like I took a beating.”

This time it was Four’s turn to laugh, and despite my annoyance at him, I couldn’t deny that his laugh was attractive and made me feel warm. “Yes, I noticed.” He stated. Of course, he noticed. He had to pull me off Peter’s bloody body.

I shiver, but not because of the cold.

After a few seconds of silence, Four spoke again, which was weird for him as he usually said as little as possible, it was almost as if he wanted a distraction.

“What happened between you and Peter?” He asked.

I shook my head and sighed. “Nothing.” I said the same as what I said to Chris when she asked earlier, wishing to just forget about it. I’d gotten my revenge, and I felt even worse than before.

I could hear his ragged breathing now in the silence “I think this is high enough.” He says and I shake my head, looking around and not being able to see anything yet.

“No, we need to go higher.” I told him, before pausing to look down at him for a second, hanging on to the bar above my head with my left hand, and leaning out into the empty air. I smiled at him in slight amusement but also concern when I realised “You’re afraid of heights.”

He looks up at me, meeting my eyes, and I was shocked to see him so vulnerable. I wondered if I should look away.

“Everyone’s afraid of something.” He admitted.

“You don’t have to follow me, you know.” I told him again, I knew what it was like to be afraid and I didn’t want to put him in that position.

He smiled at me, and my heart stopped for a second I swear. “I know Tris, keep going.” He told me, using my name again.

I kept climbing until the next rung I placed my foot upon broke under me, and for a second I thought I might fall, but suddenly Four’s warm hand was on my side, under my shirt, helping me back into position. “Are you okay?” He asked, his voice sounding more scared, and full of pain than before.

I nodded, continuing. “Yeah” I said.

Much like when he helped me in training, the ghost of his hand remained there long after he removed it. I could feel how his palm held my side, his fingers gripped my stomach, and his thumb around my back.

 _Oh shit_ , I thought, realising he just touched my bare back which was full of scars from Andrew.

I only hoped that he hadn’t felt more than one, which I could brush off as an accident.

I took a deep breath and continued climbing to the top, until there was nowhere left to climb. Thirty seconds later Four joined me, breathing heavily, and a coat of sweat covered his forehead. I tried to smile reassuringly at him, but I didn’t think it would help. “see, it’s not so bad.” I offered.

“Right” He said sarcastically. “Are you even human?” He asked incredulously and I laughed slightly at that, making him smile.

As he grabs onto the same rung as me to get a more secure balance, his hand lands on top of mine, and even as I flinch slightly, he doesn’t remove it. It seemed as if he was seeking comfort, which was out of the ordinary for Four, and I wanted nothing more than to give it to him. I removed my hand from under his, and placed it on top instead, hoping to offer more support, but fearing that he would find it too forward and retreat again, putting his mask back on.

He looked up at me in shock, and I looked away, looking for the flag, but he didn’t remove his hand from under mind, I felt him relax slightly, and his breathing lightened.

After a few seconds of searching I saw it, the yellow bright light of the flag, coming from a tall building. “I’ve got it”. I tell him, not making him look to where it was, wanting him to focus on me so that he didn’t have to think about how high up we were. “Ready to go down?” I asked, and his eyes widened slightly and he took a deep breath before nodding.

The climb down didn’t take as long, and when we hit the ground our team was still arguing about who’s plan to follow.

“Where have you two been?” Will asks.

“The ferris wheel” I replied, shrugging, and to their confused looks I add, “We know where the flag is.”

Suddenly everyone was listening to me and I was the one who had to come up with the plan, and soon we were off.

Christina and I ran into Peter on our way to the building, and we both gave him a shot in each leg, which was pretty cathartic for us both.

When climbing into the building we found the final guard of the flag was Molly, and when both our guns stopped working at the same time, I started fighting her in hand-to-hand combat, and beating her almost felt better than beating peter, because I didn’t need to feel guilty in a game, and when I knew when to stop.

Spotting the flag, Christina, being taller than me, grabbed it lowering it to a reasonable height for us both to grab and wave together. We laughed together, this was probably the most fun we’d had since arriving at Dauntless, and everyone was cheering for us. It was nice.

On the train ride back to dauntless a dark-skinned dauntless-born boy comes over to Chris and I, with a girl who was almost as pale as me, and had beautiful red hair. “So you climbed the Ferris Wheel huh? Why didn’t we think of something like that?” He asked me, smiling, he was an attractive boy and his smile took up more than half of his face, you could tell he would be a great friend.

I smiled back, “Yeah”

“Woah that’s smart. Like Erudite smart.” The girl said, and I was acutely aware that Four was standing close enough to her the conversation, and I hoped he didn’t this, and my previous offhand comment about divergence together and realise I’m divergent.

I also took note of how here, being compared to Erudite is a compliment, whereas in abnegation it would have been an insult. It also interested me how she spoke as if being more than just one thing, to be brave and kind, was something to envy rather than be scared of.

“Thanks, I think” I said, accepting the complement and smiling at her.

“I’m Uriah, this is Marlene,” The boy said.

“I’m Tris,” He laughed at me.

“Yeah we know, the name of the first jumper is hard to forget, we’re going to head out for some fun, dauntless style, if you’re in. You can bring your friend’s too.” Uriah said, nodding to Chris, Will and Al.

I smile at them both and nod, “Yeah, okay, thanks” and they give me the details after I bring over my friends to let them know.

After arriving back at dauntless, those of us who are going to Uriah’s ‘dauntless-style fun’ sneak back out, hopping the train, until we are atop an even higher building. “First jumper, first zip-liner” Uriah says, telling me to go first, and a boy who looks like an older version of Uriah puts me in my harness, making sure I know to pull the break before I hit the wall at the end.

And I’m off.

I feel like I’m flying.

I can’t catch my breath and I have never been so free all at once.

I feel like a bird.

It all ends too quickly though, as I am told to “pull the break!”, and so I do, stopping before the wall.

Everyone cheers, and I join in, adrenaline coursing through my blood.

Tonight really was the best night yet.

I am released from my harness and watch the rest of the initiates zip-line down.


	7. chapter 7

When we eventually make it back to the dorms, we have only two hours of sleep before we are awoken.

Today is the day where the transfer’s parents come in to reconnect with their child.

I’m not bothered about today for obvious reasons, but Christina wants me to meet her sister and mom, as does Will and Al, so I agree to go down with them after breakfast.

After meeting Christina’s family, and Will’s I realise Al is nowhere to be seen.

“excuse me, have you seen my son, Albert?” An older woman asks me.

I smile kindly at her, “I’ll go see if I can find him for you.”

I find Al in the dorm crying. “Al, what’s wrong? Your mom’s down there waiting for you.” I tell him, sitting next to him and awkwardly giving him a hug to try and make him feel better.

“I’m failing her. I’m mfailing myself and everyone, I’m almost under the line.” Al confesses.

“But you’re not, Al. You made it. You’re not getting kicked out. You’ve made it through the first stage or training. You’re going to make it through the second. You can do this Al, I promise. You are going to have made her so proud, she can’t wait to see you Al.” I tell him earnestly. He’s strong and not unskilled, apart from in knife work, but he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, which is his only problem. I wouldn’t be surprised if his result was actually amity.

He smiled at me, wiping away his tears. “Thanks Tris.” He says before leaning in, attempting to catch my lips in his.

I pull away. “Al, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea…” I trailed off. I thought I had just been being friendly. I didn’t realise he might have taken it as an act of romance.

He looked embarrassed and walked out. “I’ve got to go see my mum.” He said, and I was alone.

I figured I might as well get some extra training in whilst I had the time, so I started to make my way down to the training room when I bumped into Four. “Not seeing your family today?” He asked, stopping me in the hall.

I don’t think Four had ever stopped to intentionally have a conversation with me before, it was odd, but I didn’t dislike it, I just didn’t like to talk about my life pre-dauntless.

“nope.” I told him.

“Why not?” he prodded.

I shrugged. “Why should we care about our old factions?” I asked, “We’re dauntless now” I quoted him from my first day, “faction before blood, right?”

Four had no response to that, letting me keep on walking to the training room, before he remembered to tell me to make sure I was around later when they announced the ranking results.

Later on after all of the parents had left, we were all waiting in the dining all, eager to find out of rankings. I sat with Chris, Will, and Al who hadn’t looked me in the eye all night, and Uriah, Marlene, and a few of his dauntless-born friends since we were ranked together, although trained separately.

I couldn’t believe when I saw my name near the top of the list. I was second, Edward was first, then after me was Peter, Uriah, couple of other dauntless-borns, then Chris, will, and Marlene. Al was second from last, but he still made the cut.

Happy not to have been kicked out of dauntless, Chris decided we should all get another tattoo – the dauntless symbol. We could get it anywhere we wanted as long as we all got the same thing. I chose my shoulder, hoping that my cuts and scars had healed enough for Tori to not ask questions, which she didn’t. The only question Tori asked was if I thought I was prepared for the second half of initiation.

Truthfully, I wasn’t sure, but I told her I was, not wanting her to worry. Not that she actually cared that much, but I didn’t want to burden her anyway.

Pleased with our new tattoos, we all return to our dorms ad eventually all fall asleep.

I awake hours later to a blood-curdling scream coming from the corner of the room.

It takes my eyes a second to adjust to the light, but when they do I see Edward with a knife in his eye, in what looks to be a pool of his own blood. No one moves. Not even his girlfriend Maya, who’s in a state of shock.

I take a deep breath and quickly move over to him, holding his head in my lap, and his arms down so he doesn’t try and take it out himself, causing more damage.

I’m used to blood and injuries, so when my voice comes out calm and collected, I’m not surprised. “Will, go get Four.” I tell him, I needed someone I trust to get Four, not someone like Peter.

Speaking of Peter, I look up and see him watching, unphased and unsurprised until he meets my eyes and a small smirk appears on his face. I know it was him. And I know I’m next.

He wants to be first place, so he took Edward out of the running.

Edward was still screaming at me to take it out. I shushed him and spoke to him in the most calm voice I could muster, whilst beckoning over a crying Maya to hold his hand.

“Everything’s okay, just breathe, just keep still, you’re okay, you’re going to be okay. Maya’s here look, she’s got you, she’s not leaving your side. You’re okay.”

And that’s how Four and Eric found us, finally turning the lights on, alerting the room to the quantity of blood.

“why did they gasp, Is it bad? Is it bad? I don’t-“

I cut Edward off. “No no no, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay, everything is okay.” I repeatedly whisper to him as Maya, unable to speak through her tears, holds his hand tight.

An hour later and everyone is back in bed, some are sleeping, some are just laying there.

I get out of bed and start silently cleaning up the bloodstain left in the middle of the room, until there is no more trace of him. I then go to the bathroom and get into some new clothes, and take the ones I am wearing out to burn in the pit.

As I am watching them burn, I hear footsteps behind me and turn to see Four standing there. I turn back to the firepit staring at my hands. I’d washed them multiple times and yet I could still see, smell, and feel Edward’s blood on my hands.

“Tris,” Four began, but couldn’t finish.

“Peter deserved what I did to him. He deserved it a hundred times over.” I told Four, turning to walk away, he gently grabbed a hold of my arm, making me look him in the eyes.

“I know, but I didn’t want you to have to be the one to do it to him.” He told me, giving my arm a small squeeze before walking away.

I made my way back to bed, thinking on what Four said. _Did this mean he cared?_


	8. chapter 8

I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, unable to get the vision of Edward on the floor with a knife in his head out of my mind.

Today was the first day of the second half of training. I was partially scared due to Tori’s warning, but mainly I was too preoccupied on thinking about Edward to think on much else.

After breakfast, we all sat in a white room, waiting to be called in to another room by Four. Some people were in there for over an hour, some for just under half.

At first everyone had been talking to keep entertained, until we saw how the first few people came out looking worse than after any of the physical fights they’d been in, and unease filled everyone.

“Tris” Four called, and I was grateful he didn’t call me ‘stiff’ again in front of everyone.

I followed him into the room and saw he had a chair, a monitor, and some needles prepared.

“Take a seat.” Four instructed, and I numbly did as I was told. “I will inject you with a serum that will stimulate the part of your brain where fear is perceived” he told me in a bored voice, as if he’d just spent the last few hours doing this exact same thing over and over – which he had done. I didn’t blame him for his lethargy, especially since he’d been up all night too.

“Great.” I replied, equally as lethargic.

“It induces a simulation, and then he transmitters in the serum allow me to see the images in your mind.”

“You can see inside my mind?” I asked, concerned, now I was starting to get why this stage of training was bad for Divergents. I was also concerned about what else he might see, especially as it’s targeting fears.

He hums his confirmation, stopping to look at me for a little longer than is comfortable, before making his way over to me with the syringe.

He puts his arm on my shoulder, gently pushing me back into the chair. My mind is racing so much I barely recognise how he gently brushed away a piece of hair from my neck before inserting the needle.

“You’re going to be facing one of your worst fears today Tris. Most people have ten to fifteen really bad ones. You have to calm yourself: slow your heart rate and breathing.”

It was funny because what was freaking me out the most was the idea that Four would be able to see my fears. I would have rathered it been Eric at this stage, I don’t know why but with Four it felt too intimate.

He looked at me for a second before adding, “be brave, Tris” and giving me a small smile which I did not return.

I looked around and saw no one. I was standing in an unrecognisable field alone. Until some faceless people dressed in all grey started chasing after me. “There she is, kill her, she’s dangerous!” They shout as they run with their guns, shooting at me as I run away. Suddenly I am pulled into a building which I had not seen before, by Will promising to help and protect me, telling me directions to follow, whilst he stays to run interference.

I start following the directions, but no matter how far away I get, I can still hear Will’s conversation with the men in grey. “I know you know where she is.”

“I don’t, I don’t even know who Tris is.” He begged them to believe him, but to no avail, he was shot in the head.

“Will, no!” I screamed, but it was too late. Christina runs out in front of me, looking sad and disgusted.

“you killed him.” She told me. And although I didn’t first hand, I guess I did kill him in a way, it was my fault.

“I’m sorry, Chris, you have to believe me I’m so sorry.”

Christina glares at me, “it’s all your fault, I’ll never forgive you, you killed them all, they’ll never forgive you”

“who? Who’s ‘them all’? Who are ‘they’?” I ask desperately.

“Everyone who came close to you.” She stated, before the men in grey shot her too.

I looked around and I stood on piles of dead bodies, and I recognised every single one: Caleb, Chris, Will, Al, Uriah, Marlene, My old childhood friends, My mom, even Four. Everyone I’d ever let into my life, anyone I’d even smiled at – dead.

The grey men just stood there watching me. They had to die, but I got to live. It wasn’t fair.

Suddenly, looking at Four, I remember him saying “you have to control your heart rate and breathing”

 _This isn’t real_ , I realise, _I just have to calm down_

But I can’t. It’s too much. It’s too real.

My eyes scan the landscape for anything that could calm me down, until I find a gun dropped by one of the grey men. I snatch it from the ground. I feel the cool tip of the barrel against my temple, I feel myself start to calm.

 _It’s okay,_ I tell myself, and pull the trigger.

I gasp awake and I’m back in the room with Four. He tries to reach out to my shoulder, but I slap his hand away. I can’t breathe.

“Just- just let me c-catch m-my breath and I’ll-I’ll go p-please” I stammered between breaths. I didn’t even realise he’d been talking to me. I couldn’t hear him.

“Tris, it’s okay, it’s over.” He told me, concern evident in his eyes. “let me take you back to the dorm, we can go the back way.” He said, helping me up from my chair. I had stopped hyperventilating, but was now just numb.

“Tris,” he began, but I shook my head for him to stop.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“It will get easier” he told her “each day you’ll go through a different fear until you have no more new ones, and then you will go back through the ones you’d have already done, and it will be easier I promise.”

I shook my head. “I won’t. I can’t overcome that. I can’t overcome any of them. I won’t be able to.”

“do you know how long you were in there?” He asks me.

I sigh “I don’t know, half an hour.”

He shakes his head. “Three minutes. That’s three times faster than most people will ever get, and that’s your first time going through, you’re going to do just fine.” He promised me.

“great thanks” I said bluntly before walking off. If the sim had taught me anything, it was that I needed to stop getting attached to people. If I had no people I care about, I can’t have a fear about being the reason the people I care about die.

Four grabs my arm to stop me though. “It’s not about overcoming your fears, it’s about learning to control them.” He tells me and pauses, before adding “it’s worrying, however, that you’d choose to kill yourself in order to be at peace.” And I could have sworn I saw worry and pain in his eyes.

I don’t reply, I just remove my arm from his grasp and walk away. This time he doesn’t stop me. I hang out in the dorms for a bit, with Chris, Will, and Al, before deciding I needed to talk to Tori.

I scanned her walls until I found a tattoo that read “bravery takes courage”

I handed it to Tori, asking her to change the word ‘bravery’ to ‘it’. And she placed the stencil around my wrist. “You know, if I have to get a tattoo every time I need to talk to you, I’m going to need some more money and more skin.” I joked half-heartedly, making her chuckle.

I then confessed to her that she was right. I couldn’t handle it. The second half of training is where they catch me, or where I fail, there’s no in between.

“I knew it was hard to be divergent and hide it in the second stage of training. I didn’t realise how difficult it would be with pre-existing issues” I confessed.

I wasn’t usually this forthright with my feelings, but I suppose I was in a vulnerable place.

“what do you mean issues?” Tori asked concerned, looking at me.

“You know what I mean.” I told her and she nodded in agreement.

For god’s sake she was tattooing around my wrist bone, it was pretty difficult to hide the angry red lines which lived only a few millimetres away.

“I believe in you, Tris” She told me, just as I left the room, “it just takes courage” she said and winked with a smile.

I couldn’t thank Tori enough for how helpful she’s been to me. She was like the older sister I never had.

I spotted my friends in the pit, and started making my way over to them, until I was interrupted by Four. I got ready to tell him to leave me alone, until I realised that he was drunk, which amused me slightly. “Tris!” he yells before meeting me, I see Chris, Will, and Al look up from the other side of the pit at Four’s loudness.

“What are you doing?” I ask him with a small smile, shaking my head.

“making bad decisions I think,” he starts, “drinking near the chasm is probably not a good move”

I roll my eyes at him “probably not.” I agree.

“I’d ask you to join but you’re not allowed to see me like this… real” he says and for a second he is lost, staring at the wall. “are you sad?”

I’m taken aback by the question. “what do you mean?” I ask.

He shakes his head “don’t hurt yourself, okay? You won’t lose me ever okay? Just don’t hurt yourself.”

He says and I realise he’s talking about the sim. “I didn’t realise I had you to lose” I told him raising an eyebrow.

He didn’t find me amusing though. “please” he begged and I nodded and agreed, feeling guilt slice through me like hot iron. I couldn’t actually promise him that I’d stop hurting myself, but then again, he didn’t know about that anyway. He was referring to suicide, which for now I could agree not to do. Either way, I didn’t feel like having this discussion with him, drunk or sober.

“I worry about you” he told me with a sad smile.

“I’m fine, okay four?”

He shook his head “I don’t like when you call me four.”

“but that’s your name”

“not my real name though”

I roll my eyes again “obviously”

“I can’t tell you that now” he whispers loudly

I nod. “Okay Four”

“I should get back to my friend” he tells me “you still promise?” he asked and I nodded

“only if you promise to be careful around the chasm.”

He nods his head “deal” and he took a step closer to me to whisper in my ear “you look good tris”, and I couldn’t lie and say that didn’t make my stomach flip, before he walks back to the boy who put me into my harness the other day, who looks like an older version of Uriah.

I shook my head free of the weirdness that was drunk Four, and made my way over to Chris and the others.

“what was that about?” she asked and I shook my head

“who knows” I told her

We hung out for a bit until it was time to get back for curfew. I was not looking forward to these next few weeks.


	9. chapter 9

The next day doing the fear sim was slightly more awkward. I walked into the room and wasn’t sure if I was supposed to pretend I hadn’t seen him drunk, or not. So I said and did nothing but what he asked of me.

Even though we barely said two words to each other, after he injected me with the serum, I still head him whisper “Be brave Tris” under his breath.

I was back home in abnegation, I looked up and there was Caleb, looking at me in anger and shock. I was covered in blood. “I can’t believe you.” He said to me, disgusted.

“What?” I begged him to answer

“He loved us, and all you could do was cry abuse? He was there for us, housed us, fed us, you’re disgusting and ungrateful and deserve what you get.” He tells me and I cry and beg for him to forgive me, but I wipe my eyes of tears, and when I open them I am in the dauntless bathroom.

Peter rips of my towel, laughing at me and my battered body, this time seeing my back, and the whole of the initiates dorm stands around doing the same. Yelling out things like “who’s going to want you now?” and “gross.” And “I don’t fucking blame him”.

Even Christina.

I blink again, and I am climbing the Ferris wheel, and slip once again. Four’s hand catches me, under my shirt.

“what’s that?” he asks feeling a scar.

“four don’t. please leave it.” I tell him, but I have nowhere to move to, so he is able to lift up my shirt to reveal some scars on my back, and he suddenly removes his hand, I’m hanging on to the wheel by one hand at this point, and he just watches.

Suddenly the clouds turn into my face and tell me

_This isn’t real_

So I let go, and I float through the air softly, until I awake again in the sim room with Four.

He looks puzzled and concerned.

I move to leave when he stops me. “how did you fly tris? That’s not supposed to happen.” He interrogates me, and I start to panic. I didn’t even realise I had done that.

I shrug, feigning nonchalance “I don’t know I just did it.” I said, hoping he would buy that, also hoping that he would think the sim was symbolic and not literally that I was abused and ashamed of it.

“just so you know for future reference, tris, people don’t fly during their simulation, it’s supposed to be realistic.” He told me, and I wasn’t sure if he meant that as a threat, or if he was trying to help me evade detection. Either way I deemed it safer to just walk out.

The next fear I had was drowning in a tank of water, which I later realised was a symbol for me needing control.

Then came the fear I had where I had a child and raised her to be anything like me, whilst I hurt her, turning into my father

Then finally, the one that I’d been dreading the most about Four seeing, because there was no denying my situation if he saw it, which he had to: my father.

He found me and hurt me again and again, until I remembered it wasn’t real and I dove into the puddle of water beside me to seek refuge.

I knew as soon as I woke up that I wasn’t supposed to have done that, but I couldn’t stop myself. I just wanted to get out of the sim in that moment.

After that sim I ran out straight away, not waiting for any or Four’s comments, although I think I heard him call my name, but I didn’t turn back.

I avoided leaving the dorms all evening in order to avoid Four. I was less scared about him knowing my divergence, which could literally get me killed, than him knowing about what Andrew did to me because I didn’t want him to look at me different.


	10. chapter 10

I’d been in the rooms all evening, so at around three am when everyone was asleep, I crept out to get a drink of water. Upon returning I heard footsteps, but thought nothing of it, figuring it was just someone who didn’t have to obey to the initiate’s curfew, until I felt a hand go over my mouth and three pairs of hands grab me.

I kicked out, hitting one of them, “ow” he exclaimed, Peter. No surprise there. I could guess that one of his other two lackeys was Drew, but I had no idea who the third person was, until I smelt sage an lemongrass. I managed to get my hand free long enough to remove the mask from his head, and sure enough it was Al, one of my best friends.

Peter started groping me, painfully, under my shirt “see, nothing there, I told you.” He said, he started to tear open my shirt when Al stopped him “we don’t have time, this wasn’t part f the plan, lets just get rid of her”

“I thought you wanted to be dauntless, Al, not a fucking coward” Peter retorted, sticking his hand down my pants. “she might need some warming up first though.” He said.

“Tris, I’m so sorry please believe me, I didn’t want this” Al begged, but I didn’t have the energy to deal with his cowardice. As soon as Peter had touched me I gave up. It was all too much.

“shut up Al” Drew said

Peter started to unzip my pants as his two lackeys held me in place, but a sound coming from somewhere in the compound scared him enough to think twice.

“You know what? I’ve had my fun, let’s just get rid of her now” he said and they dragged me towards the chasm, although I didn’t put up much of a fight, I didn’t have anything left in me.

Suddenly I was dropped from all three boys’ grasp, being pulled so that when I collapsed, it was onto the ground and not into the chasm.

I watched as Peter and Al ran away, but Drew didn’t get away in time.

It was Four.

He was beating Drew within an inch of his life.

As much as I didn’t care about myself right now, I couldn’t let Four kill someone for me, I guess I still cared about him.

“Four” I called out to him, slowly getting to my feet, fighting the dizziness and the blackness eating at my vision, to touch his shoulder. He calmed immediately, turning towards me and taking me in his arms, leaving Drew for someone else to find.

I passed out in his arms, waking up a few minuets later in a double bed, in a room I didn’t recognise.

I sat up in bed, and watched as Four entered the room from what I assume was the bathroom and came over to me, first-aid kit in hand.

“You’re hands” I whisper as I notice the grazes and bruises along his knuckles from beating up Drew.

He shook his head at me. “My hands are none of your concern.” He told me sternly, his voice seemingly holding back emotion.

He finished cleaning the wounds on my hand with such gentle movements I didn’t realise he possessed. He then moved to clean the exposed cuts on my arms which hadn’t been given a chance to heal. Tears almost came from my eyes when I thought too much about what he was doing, so I had to stop. I couldn’t look weak at Dauntless. “are you hurt anywhere else?” he asks me, his eyes flickering to my partially ripped shirt.

I shake my head, unable to find my voice. It was a lie of course, but he didn’t need to know. Not yet.

Four got up only to return minuets later with a black sweater of his. “Here,” he said “it’s small on me but you’ll probably drown in it”

I placed it over my head.

I relished in the moments of safety I had whilst the smell of him on the sweater surrounded me temporarily.

“You should stay here tonight, you can’t go back whilst they are still in the dorms” Four said, and I didn’t have the energy to argue. “I’ll sleep on the floor.” He added.

“you should try and get some sleep, you haven’t got long until you’re supposed to be up.” He told me and I laid back into the bed and stared at the ceiling for a few hours, and I could feel Four doing the same next to me on the floor.

“You didn’t sleep” He observed in concern, but I didn’t respond. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t have the energy.

He sighed, looking at me as if he could see the pain hidden behind my eyes. “They’re scared okay? Fear does something weird to people like Al, turns them into the worst parts of themselves. But not you. Fear doesn’t shut you down it wakes you up, I’ve seen it, It’s fascinating”

“I’m not feeling very awakened right now” I replied in a small hoarse voice.

“This isn’t fear, this is trauma, they’re different. you’ll get through this Tris.” He promised her.

I looked down at my hands in my lap unconvinced.

“listen, the others won’t be as jealous if you show them some vulnerability, you’re going to want to march into breakfast and show your attackers they had no effect on you, but you should let that bruise on your cheek show and keep you head down”

The idea nauseated me.

“I don’t think I can do that,” I say hollowly.

“You have to” he says begging me to understand.

I shook my head and let a small sarcastic laugh escape from my mouth. “I don’t think you _get_ it” I told him, trying to gather my words, trying to think of how to say this. “they touched me.”

I braced myself for a scoff or a laugh, or for him to ask me why in hell they would do that, but instead his entire body tightened at my words, his hand tightening into fists.

“ _touched you_ ” he repeats, his dark eyes cold, taking deep breaths to control his anger.

I feel the need to rush to explain myself. It’s not like they actually raped me, right? So it wasn’t so serious? So I should just get on with my life?

“They didn’t … like… go al the way just like hands and stuff and –“

“I know what touching you means Tris, and it’s not okay.” He tells me, making me meet his eyes, begging me to believe him. I nod my understanding.

Listen, I shouldn’t be saying this, it’s more important for you to be safe right now than right, but when you get the chance… ruin them.” He tells me with a dangerous glint in his eye that actually manages to entice a half smile from me.

“Thank you Four” I tell him, and I really mean it.

He grimaces. “Do me a favour, and don’t call me that?” He asks.

“what should I call you then?”

“nothing” he replies “yet.”

We both knew there was a lot more we needed to talk about, but for now I didn’t have the energy, and I doubted he did either. I was grateful to him for not pushing me right now.


	11. Chapter 11

Walking into the cafeteria with my head down fought with every single part of me that still cared - I didn’t want to seem weak and I didn’t want to show them that they had an affect on me, but it was also somewhat easy to do. It amused me that Four thought I had to pretend to me vulnerable. I was vulnerable and scared and I felt so alone, no matter how great or supportive the people in my life were. If anything that made me feel worse because they deserved better and I couldn’t even me normal for them after everything they do for me.

I sat down in my normal seat next to Christina, who was sitting opposite Will. “Hey where were you last night?” she asked as she registered me, concern evident in her eyes.

“Tris what happened to your face?” Will asked, frowning at me.

I had a big angry dark purple bruise across my cheekbone, and a small one on my forehead, but I wasn’t physically in pain, it was nothing compared to what I used to acquire every night when living with Andrew.

I shook my head, leaning on Christina’s shoulder for comfort. I didn’t usually like to accept help or comfort from anyone, but Four told me to look vulnerable, and I wasn’t exactly hating it, despite feeling as if I was going against my nature.

She rubbed my shoulder comfortingly.

Minuets later Four entered the room, and I felt his presence as he sat with one seat between us, as we had sat everyday since I came to Dauntless. In fact, most everyone just kept to the same spaces they selected on their first day. 

I didn’t know why Four usual chose to sit alone when I knew he had friends - friends he got drunk with around the chasm – but I figured he had his reasons. Just knowing he was there comforted me slightly more, and I subtly clutched on to the jumper of his I was wearing in order to further comfort myself.

It was then that I felt a heavy tap on my shoulder, making me jump up out of my seat, standing up face to face with him.

“Tris, I’m sorry please forgive me, please I didn’t mean-“ I mustered up any remaining strength I had inside of me and cut Al off, ignoring the way his eyes watered and his face crumbled holdig back tears.

“You need to stay away from me.” I told him, glaring at him, not caring if he could see the way my eyes watered. He flinched back slightly and I felt Christina and Will’s curious glances on me.

“Tris I-“

“If you ever come close to me again, I will kill you.” I yell at him, looking him dead in the eye. “You are a coward” I say softer this time, my emotion flooding back into my voice as I tried to blink back tears, but I refused to release him from my glare until a defeated look crossed his face and he left the dining hall.

Random cheers came from a couple of people around who didn’t know what was going on, and I collapsed back into my position leaning on Chris’ shoulder. Uriah and Marlene even found themselves wondering to our table to check on me, which was nice of them.

“Tris, what happened?” Will asked, reaching out across the table to offer a hand. I took it briefly, before removing both my hand and my head from my friends, sitting up straight and taking a deep breath as I regained control over my emotions.

I tell them about how Peter, Drew and Al tried to throw me into the chasm, and how some guy overheard and helped me, however I left out the molestation, not wanting anyone else to know – it had been awkward enough telling Four.

Speaking of Four, I was aware that he was listening to every word, and I could feel him tense up in anger when I mentioned what had happened.

Christina clearly noticed Four listening in too, and whipped her head over to him, questioningly. “Why haven’t you done anything about it? You are our instructor and that gives you some duty of care. Punish them.” She demanded, and for someone who was so afraid of Four at the beginning of initiation, I was touched by how she would stand up for me to him when needed, whether she liked it or not. But in this case, it wasn’t necessary.

“If Tris hasn’t reported it then there’s nothing else I can do.” Four replied.

“Bull!”

“Chris,” I started but she shook her head.

“No, they don’t get to get away with this, you have to do something Four!” She exclaimed. Four paused, taking a sip of his drink before nodding at the dining hall entrance as Drew barely hobbled in.

“Like I said, I’ve done all I can do for the moment.” Four tells her, before leaving the table as Eric calls him over.

Christina is shocked to silence at first. “wait…” She said.

“Four is the guy who saved you?” Uriah asked.

“Oh my god, that’s his sweater isn’t it?” Christina asked raising her eyebrows suggestively, suddenly excited and I smiled at her, glad to see her concern for me gone. I didn’t like to be a burden, and if that meant she was going to assume something was happening between Four and I so that she could gossip about boys with me and get all excited, then that was okay. But it was completely in her head. I didn’t like Four like that, he was my instructor and maybe possibly a potential friend, but nothing more.

Even if I did like him like that, I wasn’t ready for anything like that yet.

I could tell Chris was still worried for me, especially after she knew as well as I did that Peter had stabbed Eric in the eye to get what he wanted, so nothing was stopping him from hurting me, but she was also happy to be distracted by this potential gossip, and I was happy to let her distract me for now.

After breakfast ended, we made our way down to the sim room and sat down to wait. To be honest, I didn’t really want to be doing this today, after what happened yesterday I was definitely not in a good place for it, and I didn’t even want to think about the new fears which may have arisen, but I wasn’t going to let Peter and his lackeys do what they wanted and get me to fail at Dauntless.

However, I didn’t have much of a choice in the matter when Four was called to the pit for an emergency, and everyone followed after him.

When I arrived, I pushed to the front of the crowd, curiosity getting the better of me, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the body being pulled out of the chasm. He twisted on the rope, and his eyes fixed wide open stared right through me. The same eyes which had been full of tears and desperation only hours prior.

My hand flew to my face.

Al had killed himself. And if I had just forgiven him, or helped him in training, maybe none of this would have happened.


	12. Chapter 12

I walked around the compound for a while before I ran into Four again. I tried to move past him, but he reached out to catch my arm, more gently than he used to before he knew about my unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I avoided his eyes.

“Tris, I’m sorry about Al” he says and I sigh, putting a hand on my shaking head

“If I had just forgiven him-“

“Tris this is not your fault, he didn’t deserve your forgiveness, and he doesn’t deserve you feeling guilty over him. Besides, he was never going to make it past this stage of training anyway, it was either that or factionless”

I shrugged at him, helpless “Yeah, well neither am I”

He breathed deep before asking “why do you say that?”

I look him dead I the eye. “you know why.”

He nods but looks pointedly from me to the camera in the corner of the hallway

I knew they were there. I didn’t care though. I rolled my eyes at him, stepping away from his hand over my mouth, “I don’t care! What are they going to do? Kill me? I’m dead anyway” my shout gets quieter with each word, turning into more of a mumble.

“Tris,” Four said in a warning tone, eyes slightly panicked. I sighed. I knew he was right.

After a few more minutes of standing in silence, Four starts walking away, unsure of whether I was supposed to be following him or not, I hesitated a few seconds before going after him. I followed him into a white room, much like the one we had used for our fear sims, and I see Four is holding a box with two syringes.

“since you need all the practice you can get, you might as well come in with me.” Four said, raising an eyebrow.

“into your fear landscape?” I asked confused, and a little frightened. He nods. “I can do that?”

“the programme decides whose landscape to take us through, and right now it’s set up to take us in to mine.” Four tells me.

“have you ever done this before?” I asked him, and for a second his gaze faltered, flickering down to the monitor.

After a moment’s hesitation he replies “no”, pausing again before loading up the two syringes ready for us to use.

“are you sure you want to?” I ask him, knowing that even though he had been privy to all of my fears, I didn’t want to pressure him into showing me his.

He smirked at me, “why wouldn’t i?” shrugging as if it was no big deal, but I could tell it meant more to him than that.

“I don’t know, you’ve ever told me anything about yourself and now you just want to let me inside of your head?” I ask, my eyebrows furrowing together in confusion.

Four finishes setting everything up and steps closer to me, looking at me intensely. “What, are you afraid of that?” He asks and I meet his gaze.

“you’re not?” I ask him, even though he’d seen all of my fears before, if I could help it I didn’t think I’d ever let him into my head again. Not only that, but I didn’t want Four to do something he’d later regret.

He takes a couple of seconds to think it over before saying “no” and sitting on one end of the white bed, gesturing for me to join him.

First, he gently cups my face in his hand and injects me, before handing me the other needle t do the same to him. “I’ve never done this before” I tell him, not wanting to hurt him. He gives a half smile, pointing to a spot on his neck.

“right here” he says, and as I inject him I watch his jaw tense momentarily.

He places wires on our temples and we sit back on the bed together as the world before us starts to transform. Before it does, I see Four’s hand hesitate over mine, reminding me of the Ferris wheel where he asked for comfort without really asking, and also reminding me of how before every sim I enter, he tells me to be brave, so I put my hand around his.

Suddenly, we are no longer in the white room, but we are balanced on the train-track which the dauntless trains ran on. We were high in the air, and I thought the sight was beautiful, but my hand still held Four’s and I felt him start to lightly tremble as his breathing started getting heavier, and I was reminded that although it was beautiful to me, heights were one of his worst nightmares.

“we have to jump off, right?” I ask, my thumb circling the back of his hand in a calming manor which my mom used to do whenever I had a nightmare.

He nods. “on three?” I ask. My reply is another nod. “Okay, one… two… three!”

We fall through the air, until we are no longer outside, but trapped in a metal box, which appeared to be shrinking. “confinement” I whisper my recognition. As the walls come closer and closer, barely fitting him in. “you said we have to face them head on, right? So do we make it worse before it gets better?” I really didn’t want to make this worse for him, but he let out a small “yes” so we crouch down together on my count.

A pained groan comes from him and suddenly I forget my own fears of intimacy which I had recognised within myself after the other night, and my reservations about being so physically close to someone, and I moved closer to him. “hey, shh, you’re okay, arms round me” I told him, he started to follow my instruction before he hesitated.

“are you-?” he started to ask me, his voice shaky, I knew he was checking to make sure I was okay with him being this close to me after Peter, but I cut him off, guiding his arms around my back, when he began to hang on to me tightly on his own accord. “shh, its okay” I tell him as he buries his face in my neck and my hair.

For a split second my mind hoped that Four hadn’t noticed I had the figure of a twelve year old boy, but then I remembered it’s not about me or my insecurities, I just had to find a way to get him out of here.

I rake my fingers through his hair slowly, and speak to him softly words he had been telling me just a couple of weeks ago. “The sim measures your fear response, so if you can calm your heartrate and breathing it will move onto the next one. Remember? So try and forget that we’re here.”

“Yeah? That easy huh?” he says, his lips grazing my skin as he did so, before another wave of fear hit him, “Tris” He called out desperately now.

I took one of his hands and placed it over my heart, realising my heartrate is actually much faster than Ii had anticipated, I change my tactic. “when I breathe, you breathe, okay?” he nods.

After a few seconds pass I suggest he tell me where the fear comes from. “Okay…” He seems unsure, “a childhood punishment in the closet upstairs”. I remember the cruel treatment I had endured from Andrew for most of my life, but I had never been shoved into a closet. My heart ached for him.

Not knowing what to say, I opted to try and keep it casual. “My mom used to keep her closet locked all of the time, I never did find out what was in there.” I told him, and the more I thought of it, the more I realised that I probably didn’t know my mom as well as I thought I did.

“I don’t…” he gasps, clutching on to me tighter “really want to talk about it anymore.”

“Okay, I can talk, ask me anything you want.” I tell him, which I know was a dangerous question since we still had so much to talk about, like what he had seen in my simulations, and what he had seen on my arms the other night, but whatever the question I would try and answer it as best and honestly as I could, anything to take his mind off of this.

“Okay” he laughs shakily, “Why is your heart racing Tris?”

I cringe. “well.. I… I barely know you, and I am crammed up in a box with you, plus after everything the other night…” I trail off

“If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?” He asked me.

“I’m not afraid of you”

“Of course you’re not, but that’s not what I meant.”, as I struggle to come up with a response, since I really wasn’t sure on what answer was the honest one, Four laughed at me, and the walls fell down around us. We untangled ourselves from each other and stood up. “maybe you were cut out for Candour, because you are a terrible liar” he tells me, before turning around to find a girl pointing a gun at us, completely still, with plain features.

To my right there is a gun with a single bullet and I realise his fear is of what he’ll do with the gun, not of the threat to his own life.

This fear was similar to one of my own.

“you have to kill her.”

“every single time”

“she’s not real”

“It feels real”

“If she was real she would have shot you already.” I offer,

“it’s okay” he reasons “I can do this one, there’s not as much panic involved.” _But far more dread_ , I could see it in his eyes, hell, I knew it because he was the sae as me in that respect.

Four takes his time, and shoots her. Neither of us look away. But he was right, it definitely seemed real as the pool of blood surrounded her.

“come on,” I told him “ket’s keep going” tugging on his arm lightly once more brought him out of his daze, and he followed me.

Suddenly we were in abnegation, and a figure started walking out into the room. “here we go” Four whispers. The man who emerges from the shadows, is someone I recogonise instantly, and I wish I didn’t already know where this was going, but I did, and my heart broke.

“Tobias…” I whisper, finally figuring out his name.

Four shakes next to me as the belt unwinds from Marcus’ hand. “This is for your own good” he said, his voice echoing a dozen times.

Looking over at Four I realise he’s frozen. His slouched posture made him look years older nd years younger all at once.

Marcus yanks his arm back, preparing to strike Four with the belt. He shrinks back, closing his eyes, but the blow never comes to him as I jump in front and allow the belt to wrap around my wrist. It stung, or course, but I was used to it, and it was worth it.

Whilst I wasn’t able to stand up to my own father who did the exact same thing, I could stand up to Four’s because I didn’t have the history with him that made me freeze on sight.

Ripped the belt from his hands, and upon seeing me hurt, Four springs into action, no longer seeing his abusive father, but someone who was trying to hurt me. He looked angry now, not afraid. All he did was step in front of me, and the sim dissipated around us both, until we blinked awake back into the white fear landscape room.


	13. Chapter 13

I turned to Four who was breathing heavily next to me, his eyes wide and his lips parted. He looked vulnerable, but he also looked as if he was assessing whether it was safe for him to be vulnerable around me or not.

He leant towards me slightly, and I tentatively reach my hand out to wipe a bead of sweat from his forehead, and he gives in. He lightly pulls me towards him, checking my eyes first to silently as if it was okay, to which I gave a small nod. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders tight, burying his face in my neck, breathing against my collarbone.

After a second of hesitation, I hold him in my arms just as tight, brushing my hand through his short hair as I had done whilst we were in the shrinking box. “Hey, you got through it” I said softly to him.

“You got me through it” he said finally as he pulls away slightly, but playing with a strand of my hair which he placed behind my ear.

“well,” I say trying to ignore my rising anxiety which would inevitably ruin the moment, and I just wanted to be there for him right now. “It’s easy to be brave when they’re not my fears” I tell him. After a moment he pulls back from me and starts clearing up the syringes and the rest of the evidence that we had used this room.

After we had spent a moment in silence, he asks to take me somewhere so I follow him a way I had never been before, eventually we ended up at the bottom of the chasm. I try not to think that this is where Al’s body had dropped hours ago.

He sits on a rock and invites me to join him. “so, Four, four fears,” I state.

He nods, “Four then, four now, I keep going back in but I don’t think you ever lose them” he told me.

I nudged him slightly “It’s not about becoming fearless, it’s about learning to control it”

He smirks slightly at me quoting him. “I don’t think I have control over them yet, and I’m not sure I ever will” he admits

I shrug. “you seemed pretty in control in there when it counted.” I told him offering him a small smile, hugging my knees to my chest. “And the other day on the Ferris Wheel”. He gave a small smile gratefully.

The air is heavy between us. There is so much we have to talk about, but neither one of us wants to do it.

“So, your father is Andrew Prior” Four asked, and I nodded, giving him the chance to ask the question he’d been waiting to ask since he saw my sim the other day. “And he hurt you?” I nodded again.

“It’s funny, our fathers were best friends, and they both beat their kids who both ended up in the same faction.” I said, before I had the opportunity to worry that I had come off as insensitive, Four chuckled with me at the irony.

“You left to escape him, right? Is that why you turned down leadership? To avoid him?”

Four shrugged “I guess, and because I never thought I really belonged with the dauntless leaders. Not how they are now.” He told me

“Hey Four?” I asked after we had sat in silence for a while

“do me a favour and call my Tobias when we’re alone, it’s nice to hear my name again from someone I trust” I nodded

“What’s your tattoo … Tobias?” I asked, glancing at the small piece of ink that poked out of his shirt on the back of his neck.

He smiled down at me and raised an eyebrow. “wanna see it?” he asked and I nodded.

He turned around removed his shirt. It was all of the factions connected on his back.

Maybe I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was in this whole divergent business.

The way it stretched across his back was beautiful. My hand had a mind of its own as it reached out to touch it gently. Although at first Tobias tensed, he soon relaxed into my hand. I traced each faction, and when I was done I traced each still visible scar, lighter than a feather.

He shivered beneath my touch.

“What does it mean?”

“I don’t want to be just one thing, I can’t be, I want to be brave and smart and honest and selfless and kind” he turned to face me. “I’m still working on the kind” I chuckled at him.

“what were your test results?” I asked him, my eyes focused on his, instead of looking at him shirtless.

He looked down for a second. “Abnegation.” He told me, and I was filled with disappointment which I tried to shake off. I had just thought I’d have someone else who understood.

“But Marcus told me what to pick to get the result.” He confessed, meeting my eyes again. Hope filled me once again.

“so you don’t know?”

He shrugged. “No,” he started, “but let’s just say I also was able to manipulate my fear simulations.”

I couldn’t fight the smile which crept onto my face. I was relieved to finally know for certain that I could trust Tobias with my divergence, whilst also knowing that he understood.

I also realised why he had flinched that day after he threw knives at my head, hen I had told him being more than one thing was something to fear.

“so you’re divergent.” I breathed out quietly.

Despite knowing there were no cameras around here, I still felt like I couldn’t say the word out loud.

He smiled at me and nodded slowly.

We were close now. Six inches apart I’d have guessed. His eyes flickered from my lips to my eyes.

Was he going to kiss me?

I know that shouldn’t frighten me as much as it did, but I quickly stepped away, turning my body in the opposite direction.

I didn’t want to look at him, I was embarrassed.

Embarassed about being scared of a kiss, but even more embarrassed because I actually thought he was going to kiss me. As if.

Being nowhere near on his level, I knew that I had just made it up in my head.

“Sorry” he said quietly, for what I didn’t know. Maybe he thought he’d scared me by moving so close, which in a way he had, but it wasn’t his fault.

“Tris?” He asked, louder this time. I bit my lip and turned to him to see that he had put his shirt back on and was looking at me intently. “why do you do it?”

My eyebrows came together in confusion. “do what?”

He answered without words, gently taking my covered forearm in his hands. The cuts were covered, but we both knew what lied beneath the fabric of my shirt.

I shrugged. I didn’t always know why, and sometimes I had multiple reasons. It wasn’t something I wanted to be talking about anyway.

He let out a sigh, defeated. “do you remember when you promised me you wouldn’t hurt yourself?” He asks.

“I’m surprised you remember.” I said, amused, remembering his drunken antics.

He shook his head. “I wasn’t that drunk.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh really?” I asked, thinking about what he whispered in my ear.

I wasn’t sure in the low light of the chasm, but I could have sworn I saw his cheeks turn a crimson colour. He waited a second before continuing. “I know it’s unfair of me to ask you to promise me you won’t do it anymore,” He admitted in defeat, and the humour from earlier was gone. I looked up t him, but he was no longer looking at me, he was looking at his hands, and at my arm, as if he could see through the fabric. As if it pained him to speak of them. “but I will ask you to promise me that you will try, and that if you do, and if you need help with cleaning them up or with anything else, you will come to me.”

He had made an attempt to understand me, and he had tried not to put pressure on me, and I almost wanted to cry. For a second, it seemed as if he really cared, and I didn’t think anyone had done as much for me as he had, so I agreed. It was the least I could do for him in return. I could promise to try. For him. For my friend. For Tobias who had just willingly told me his secrets. “I promise.”

He gave me back my arm and stared off into the water, as if my response gave him a small amount of relief.

We sat there in silence for a while, before we heard people start moving above us, it was dinner time.

Today had been stressful and exhausting, it felt like so much couldn’t have possibly fit into one day, but at the same time, it had gone quickly.


	14. Chapter 14

We made our way to the dining hall and I came to sit next to Christina and opposite Will, who were sat in silence which was odd to them.

I hugged Christina to comfort her. Even if I hadn’t forgiven Al, and he had been a bad person, Christina had known him from her old faction, and I knew it wasn’t easy for her to see him go. She hugged me back hard, and I rubbed her back comfortingly.

After a few minuets she pulled away, collecting herself, and wiping away the few tears which had escaped her eyes – she didn’t want to be seen as weak in front of the rest of dauntless, especially as Four was sat a few seats down from her.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered to her, I was sorry for her loss, and sorry for the part I had to play. She shook her head and gave me a sad smile. She didn’t blame me.

“I know he was a bad person and a coward,” She said her voice breaking slightly, “but it still hurts.” She admitted. I nodded my head in understanding, and held one of her hands whilst Will held the other.

Once Christina was feeling better, we let go of her hands and I picked at the food on my plate. I could feel Four’s eyes on me, but I didn’t turn to him.

I remembered my promise form earlier, and whilst I knew my eating habits weren’t healthy, I hadn’t promised him I was going to eat, I promised him I would try not to hurt myself.

Whilst I knew my argument was weak, and that I was having trouble even trying to convince myself of it, I couldn’t bring myself to eat much more.

Near to the end of lunch we were told by an announcement of Max – the leader of dauntless - that we would be allowed off for the rest of the day, and the final fear landscape test which we were supposed to have tomorrow, would be delayed another day.

Four left after being called over by Uriah’s brother, who I had since learned was called Zeke, and Uriah made his way over to our table. “I’m sorry about your friend” He said to us. “my brother and I are having a little get together in his room tonight if you’re up for it, it’s just a couple of friends.” He proposed.

Although today had been exhausting already, I could see Christina perk up at the idea, and I knew she needed to have some fun, so we agreed to go, plus we had all of tomorrow to sleep off our fatigue.

After dinner, Christina dragged me to the dorms and picked out our clothes and started on my makeup, and once she’d finished she did her own too.

I looked in the mirror at myself.

I was wearing a pair of skin-tight, high-waisted, ripped jeans with a flowy cropped top, which had a tank top underneath to minimise the risk of anyone seeing my back, a checked black and dark grey shirt left open over it, and a leather jacket, with some back pumps on my feet. I could appreciate that my outfit looked good but casual, and I was grateful to Christina for not having me dress over the top.

My makeup was what floored me. Although she kept it fairly natural, the slight eyeliner she applied to me made my eyes pop, and the rest of the makeup disguised the toll which my not eating or sleeping, and the trauma from the night prior had played on me. I almost looked okay.

Will wore some black jeans, a jumper, with a tight-fitted shirt underneath, and a jacket over the top. Christina had made her input known on his outfit also, and she’d done a good job.

Christina looked beautiful as ever in her ripped black jeans, her low cut cropped top, and jacket which matched Will’s, and her makeup which only emphasized her already attractive features. I was slightly jealous of her beauty, but I wasn’t bitter about it, she deserved all of her beauty.

We made our way to the apartment, and Uriah answered the door with his big smile. “Ladies, Will, you are the last to arrive, please come on in.” He said, and walked us into see who else was here. I recognised Zeke, Marlene, a girl called Lynn, one of the dauntless-born instructors who I think was called Lauren, and Tobias who I hadn’t expected to see despite knowing he was friends with Zeke.

Uriah introduced us to Zeke’s girlfriend and Lynn’s sister, Shauna, and her friend Megan.

Everyone was sat on the floor in a circle and I hesitantly sat down next to Marlene and Christina followed after me with Will. I could feel Tobias’ eyes on me, but refused to look at him.

There were drinks in the middle of the circle, which Uriah handed to each of us. I had never intentionally been drunk, but one time when I was ten and home alone, I was looking for something to drink and saw the same bottles Andrew used to drink from after beating me and before he fell asleep. I didn’t realise it was alcohol, I just thought it would make me sleepy.

When Andrew got home he wasn’t happy with me.

Zeke then declared that we were going to be playing a dauntless-favourite game “candour or dauntless – if you pick Candour you have to answer a question, if you pick Dauntless you have to do a dare, or you can avoid either by taking off an item of clothing, but shoes and socks don’t count. Everyone understand?” He asked and everyone nodded.

I was suddenly fearful of the game. I did not want to be naked in front of all of these people, but I also didn’t want to have to show anyone my scars.

“okay, Candour or Dauntless Uriah?” Zeke asked, and the game was off.

“Dauntless” he replied with a smug look on his face which Zeke returned.

“Give Four a lap dance.” He replied, barely holding in his laughter.

Uriah’s face dropped and went red, “turn up the music” he whispered to Zeke as determination entered his eye.

As he made his way over to Tobias, trying to look sexy as he did so, I looked at him for the first time since we’d arrived. He didn’t appear to have had drank much of his drink yet, and he looked a little tired, but you probably wouldn’t notice unless you knew why. He seemed to know most people there, but he didn’t seem as comfortable or as at ease as when it was just the two of us – but maybe that’s just what I wanted to believe.

I watched, laughing with everyone, as Uriah tried to give Tobias, who was yet to crack a smile, a lap dance with a look of fear on his face.

It was funny to me that people really were scared of Four and actually bought into his mean-guy persona.

After the song ended, Uriah took his seat again, his face bright red. “Christina, Candour or Dauntless?” Uriah asked, and Chris sat up straighter next to me

“Dauntless” she replied, not wanting to seem weak in front of the older members of dauntless and one of her instructors.

Uriah smirked, “let me cut your hair” Christina glared at him before removing her jacket, resenting that she’d been made to look weak, but she loved her hair.

Knowing that she needed to make a ballsy move to recover her status, she called on Four next, who picked dauntless. “I dare you to tell us one of Peter’s fears.” She said, raising a challenging eyebrow,

I couldn’t help but be interested in this dare.

Tobias thought about it for a minuet before sighing. “He’s scared of Tris.” He stated, and everyone’s eyes turned to me.

My heart jumped. “What?” I asked incredulously – I couldn’t have heard right.

He just nodded at me. “I told you, fear does something strange to some people.”

I shook my head in disbelief.

After looking at me for a few seconds more, he took his turn, asking zeke, who completed his dare before asking Lauren, who then asked me.

I didn’t know Lauren, all I knew was that she’d been throwing suggestive looks to Tobias since we’d arrived, but whether she liked him or not was none of my business, so I had no idea what this was going to entail, but it was my first go and much like Christina, I didn’t want to be seen as weak straight off the bat. “Dauntless” I replied.

“Play seven minuets in heaven with Uriah.” She told me. Not wanting to seem weak, and also not being ready to remove any items of clothing, presuming I might need them for the rest of the game, I looked to Uriah who shrugged.

We got up and were led to a closet in Zeke’s apartment where we were shut in for the time being.

I knew me and Uriah were just friends, and that’s all I wanted. I also knew he liked Marlene and she liked him back, so I knew he wouldn’t try anything on me either, but that didn’t mean I enjoyed being trapped in a small space with a guy twenty four hours after what happened with Peter.

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked to the floor, focusing on my breathing.

“Are you okay?” Uriah asked me, putting a hand on my arm, when I flinched his concern grew. “Tris?”

I just nodded my head, my eyes not leaving the floor. He looked unconvinced by my nod.

“I’m fine I swear, I just am not a fan of small spaces.” I lied, and although I wasn’t sure if he believed me or not, he moved on.

“Hey, don’t mind Lauren” He said, and I looked up at him confused. “she’s just had a crush on Four forever, and doesn’t like that he’s paying more attention to you than her.” I hadn’t realised until just now that Lauren had been trying to get me away from Tobias, I had just thought it was a fun dare she’d come up with which she would have given to anyone.

“But he isn’t paying more attention to me.” I told Uriah and he laughed. “What? She has no reason to be jealous.” I tell him and he laughed some more.

“Oh please, you might have been avoiding looking at him all night, but he’s definitely not as subtle as he thinks he is. He never shows attention to girls, and the way he’s been looking at you all night? It’s obvious.” He tells me before adding, “Oh! And don’t tell him I said that because he will kill me.”

I laugh a little, but for some reason the idea that Tobias liked me as more than a friend seemed impossible, whilst it also scared me slightly. If he did like me, he might just be helping e because he wanted something from me.

Then the doors open and we are let out of the closet and allowed back into the circle.

I glance at Tobias for a split second and am reminded of how much he has trusted me with, and how the only thing he’d ever asked me for was comfort and support, or to help myself. I was reminded that he was selfless, and kind, and I pushed my previous thought about him using me out of my head.

Whether he liked me or not, he wasn’t a bad guy, in fact he was one of the nicest, most caring people I’d ever met, whether that was a side he showed to everyone or not.

I asked Lynn next, and after ten more turns, it was Will asking Four “What’s your real name?” and off went his jacket.

“Hah, please, I don’t even know his name and I’m his best friend, or his only friend,” Zeke says laughing, “He won’t tell anyone.”

I don’t know why that it shocks me so much, since I knew he’d told me things he’d never told anyone, but it does.

Tobias’ eyes flicker to me when Zeke says this, which does not go unnoticed by Zeke or myself.

Tobias picks Shauna who then picks Will, who asks Tobias again. “I dare you to let Tris throw knives at you.” He says after he picks dauntless, smirking and reminding everyone of when he threw knves at me in stage one of training.

Four raises his eyebrows and says “Okay, where?”

“We have knives and a dart board!” Uriah exclaims running of to find them

“Man, are you sure you want an initiate throwing knives at your head?” Zeke asks and Tobias shrugs.

“why not?” He replies, looking at me as Uriah hands be three knives. Everyone stands up behind me whilst Tobias stands against the wall in front of the board.

Although I am slightly nervous, I had always been good at throwing knives, so I wasn’t worried about hitting him. I throw the first one, landing just above his shoulder. I prepare the second knife, and just before I let it fly, Lauren claps her hands together making a sharp noise, trying to mess me up. Luckily she clapped too soon, so I was able to stop myself from throwing it, but I turned my head slowly to look at her with a confused expression on my face, along with everyone else.

I get it if she’s jealous, but she does realise this could hurt Tobias if she made me mess up, right?

I turn back to Tobias to see him looking at me, focused. “don’t finch” I told him, with a small half smile as I threw the last two knives. The first one landed just above his head, and the last one laned exactly where I planned for it to go – it nicked the tip of his ear.

I heard gasps coming from behind me, and I could tell Uriah was scared of Tobias’ reaction, but I wasn’t. It was clear Tobias couldn’t fight the amused smile which crossed his face any longer, and he let out a small laugh. “You cut my ear.” He said, already knowing my response.

I nodded. “I meant to.” I told him.

Christina laughed out loud and soon everyone apart from Lauren was joining her, and we made our way back to the circle.

Lauren was suddenly all over Four, offering to clean his ear or put a plaster on it, but he ignored her pestering and continued with the game.

After a few more people had their turn, Zeke turned to me. “Candour or Dauntless?”

“Dauntless” I picked again.

“I dare you to tell us Four’s real name,” he says “if you know it of course” he adds, but it was clear he already knew that I knew. He had definitely picked up on the look Tobias had given me earlier.

I glanced at Tobias who was looking at the floor, trying not to have any impact on my decision, but he was tense.

I removed my jacket and shrugged. I had many more layers on yet anyway.

After I dared Marlene to make out with Uriah, I looked to Tobias whilst everyone was watching the dare be completed, and he mouthed me a “thank you” and I nodded my reply.

After Christina’s next turn, she asked me “candour” I replied so I didn’t seem boring.

“what happened with Peter before your fight?” she asked, referring to the day Peter stole my towel from me after I got out of the shower.

I shivered in memory, but as I moved to take off my shirt, I realised my arms would be on display. I sighed, tactically removing it, and holding it in my hands in a way in which it meant my forearms were covered from everyone’s eyes.

I noticed Tobias’ concerned look because I still hadn’t told him about what happened with Peter that night, and after knowing what he did to me last night, it was clear that he had even more reason to worry. Lauren rolled his eyes at his concern for me.

“candour or dauntless Shauna?” I asked next, shifting the attention off of me. After a few more rounds, it was Uriah’s turn.

He asked me, “dauntless” I said, realising I’d rather be embarassed than have to tell my secrets, whilst recognising the irony that it would have taken me more bravery to tell the truth, than to pick ‘Dauntless’. “sit in Four’s lap.” He tells me, I look to Tobias, I really didn’t want to have to remove any more clothes yet.

He made space for me and patted his leg, I came over and awkwardly sat, but he put his arms around me, pulling me closer to him, letting me know he was okay with me being there and not to be embarrassed.

I was going to have to kill Uriah later.

I cleared my throat before speaking, wanting to rid my voice of any nerves. I asked Zeke, and the game continued, until it was Lauren’s turn. “Four” she said.

“Dauntless.” He replied, and she looked satisfied.

“Kiss me.” She told him, and to my surprise, off went his shirt, leaving him in a tight-fitted undershirt. Lauren looked embarrassed and angry.

Soon Christina had another go, asking Four to play never have I ever with a girl of his choice.

Four knew he couldn’t lose any more items of clothing – if he removed his shirt, his divergent tattoo and his scars would be on display, but if he removed his pants, he knew I would feel uncomfortable. But much like he did when I was asked to reveal his name, I avoided his eyes. I didn’t want him to have to do anything he didn’t want to because of me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t think he’d want to spend seven minuets alone with a girl, I’m sure he did – maybe Megan would be a good choice as she seemed to be the only other truly single one here who wasn’t crazy – but I knew of his claustrophobia, and that closet was tiny.

“Okay” He said, a stony expression on his face, and I removed myself from his lap so he could get up, and sat back where he was previously sat, however he turned back around to me and held out a hand. “Tris?” He asked me, and my eyebrows rose in shock. I hesitantly took his hand and followed him to the closet, which zeke shut us in.

I would have been uncomfortable, like I had been with Uriah, this close to a guy with no escape since they locked the closet door, or maybe I would have been mulling over what it meant that he’d chosen to take me in here as opposed to one of the other girls, but instead my priorities were on very claustrophobic Tobias.

“Sorry” Tobias said to me as he tried to get his breathing under control.

“For what? You haven’t done anything wrong. It was a dare.” I told him softly, and he nodded.

I know it wasn’t much different to our circumstances in his fear landscape earlier, but for some reason it felt different.

I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to comfort him in the same way with our friends outside the door. What if they opened the door and found me hugging a sweating Tobias? It would look strange to say the least.

But hearing his breathing quicken and become heavier, I knew I had to do something to help him.

I crouched down, and he followed me, trusting me, and I could see the relief when the box didn’t shrink as he did so, remembering this wasn’t a sim.

I brought his head down to my shoulder and his hands instinctively wrapped around my back.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s only seven minutes, we’ll be out in no time.” I whispered to him, my hand stroking his head.

I drew patterns on his back with my other hand, and soon his breathing began to relax a bit more.

“You know, most boys would take advantage of an opportunity to play seven minuets in heaven with a girl of their choice” I joked, and to my surprise he let out a small breathy laugh.

“Not claustrophobic people, Tris” He told me and I chuckled.

A few minuets later I heard someone outside the door and I patted Tobias’ shoulder indicating that we should stand up. Once we did, I fixed my appearance before the door opened, revealing Zeke and Christina who seemed disappointed when she didn’t catch us doing anything.

We returned to the circle, me back on Tobias’ lap, and he quickly dared Lynn in order to shift to focus from himself, so he would be able to calm himself down some more.

I wasn’t sure if he realised this, but as he tried to regain his composure, he gripped onto the bottom of my shirt like it was the only thing keeping him grounded.

Soon, Lauren was asking me again. “candour” I told her.

“what is your worst fear?” she asks, clearly trying to embarrass me, and I can’t answer. I knew it was Andrew, I didn’t need the fear landscape to tell me that, but I couldn’t tell everyone else that.

I removed my cropped top, leaving me in my tank top and jeans. Both of which I felt uncomfortable removing if I were to be asked another personal question or to do something else uncomfortable.

After a few more people have their turn, it is Tobias who is asked again, this time by Zeke.

“Do you, my big scary emotionless friend, like anyone?” he asked, after Tobias picked Candour. I didn’t believe that anyone could ever think of Four as emotionless, although sometimes he tried to be.

“yes.” He replied begrudgingly, quietly, but that didn’t stop for Zeke’s exaggerated reaction.

“Finally!” He said laughing, moving to pat his friend on the back, whilst Tobias sat there with his jaw clenched. He didn’t like admitting vulnerability, and this seemed to be one.

I couldn’t deny the pang I felt when I heard Tobias admit that he liked someone, because despite what Uriah had said, I knew it couldn’t be me. He thought of me as a friend and nothing else. He’d only asked me to go in the closet with him because he didn’t want to lose anymore clothes and I was the only one who knew about his fear. He could never like me and my plain face and my body which looked nothing like the other women around his age. Nothing like Lauren’s – she was full on, and rude, but at least she was pretty.

I didn’t know why I cared. It wasn’t like I liked Four, so I shouldn’t care so much. But I did, and it hurt.

Lauren threw me a dirty look “wow, she’s got to be a solid ten if Four is actually taking interest in her” she comments. “what’s your type anyway Four? Ass? Boobs? Both?” she asked, looking at me pointedly, reminding me I have neither. I wasn’t sure if that was the alcohol talking or if she was genuinely this rude and invasive usually, but either way I didn’t like her.

Feeling insecure, I cast my gaze to the floor.

Tobias tensed slightly behind me, subtly brushing the top of my arm, ignoring Lauren’s question, remembering it was his turn.

He asks Lauren, which makes her happy. “dauntless” she replied winking at him.

“leave, you look tired.” He told her, and disappointment flooded her features, and she got up and left, since she was only left wearing her t-shirt and undergarments anyway she didn’t have much of a choice unless she wanted to flash a group of initiates.

Zeke laughed and Uriah said “Thank god she’s gone” making everyone chuckle.

As of right now, the majority of people were missing multiple pieces of clothing and everyone was on their third or fourth drink, apart from Tobias who hadn’t touched his second.

Something told me he didn’t like to drink much, and that the day at the chasm had been a one off.

“so, what, is it Four’s go again?” Uriah asked.

“Or we could call it a night.” Zeke suggested, checking the time and realising it was much later than we all thought.

We all agreed, collecting our clothes and redressing ourselves. I followed Chris and Will out of the apartment after saying goodbye, and we started making our way back to the dorms.

After a few seconds, Chris looked around for people, and seeing there was no one there she nudged me, smiling ecstatically. “what?” I ask her confused, smiling at how giddy she is.

“are you kidding? What ‘what’? He totally likes you! He even asked you to play seven minuets in heaven with him!” She exclaimed, and now I was the one looking around to double check that we weren’t being overheard.

I shook my head at her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s just my instructor.” I tell her and she rolls her eyes.

“whatever, stay in denial however long you want, but I will be telling you ‘I told you so’ at your wedding.” She said giggling to Will.

Hearing footsteps approaching fast, we turned around to see Tobias jogging to catch up with us and I’m certain that I’m blushing, scared that he’d overheard us.

“Uh, Tris, I need to talk to you” He said, hesitating when he realized I was with my friends. I nodded, and Chris and Will walked off, after Chris threw me a not-so-subtle wink which I rolled my eyes at.

“what’s up?” I asked him now that we were alone.

“Do you feel safe staying in the same room as Peter and Drew?” He asked me, and I looked down at my feet.

No matter how much I acted as if I wasn’t thinking about it, what they did was constantly playing on a loop in my mind, memories being triggered by every little thing. But I had to be brave. I had to be dauntless.

“I’ll be fine.” I tell him.

He shook his head, urging me to look into his eyes. “that’s not what I asked.” He said with a sad small smile. “You can stay at mine again, if you want.” He offered. “If you would feel safer there.”

“running away from my problems to the protection of my instructor? That doesn’t sound very Dauntless to me.”

His eyes went serious, “sometimes, Tris, the bravest thing you can do is accept help, and anyone who doesn’t think you’re brave for doing so is stupid.” He told me, and I knew it was true, because if it was the other way around I would have told him the exact same thing.

Sensing still my reservations he continued, “There’s a fine line between being brave and being stupid, forcing yourself to stay in the same room as you attackers when you don’t feel safe just to prove a point, that’s stupid.”

It was harsh, I knew and so did he, but I liked that he didn’t feel the need to hold back. I wasn’t a child, I could take it.

I nodded. “Okay.” I told him and followed him, walking slowly back to his room.

He let me use his shower, giving me a spare towel to use. I felt a strange sense of comfort as I smelt him all around me as I used his shampoo, conditioner and bodywash. The warmth and comfort of the shower also alerted me to how exhausted I really was. I hadn’t slept in days.

I got out of the shower and dried myself off with the towel Tobias had left me and waited for the condensation to clear on the mirror. Looking at my naked body I felt disgusted and immediately tried turned away from it, not wanting to look any longer.

I heard a small nock at the door and I wrapped the towel around me tight.

“I’ve brought you some clothes.” Tobias said through the door, so I opened it just enough to take the clothes from his hand, shutting it again almost immediately.

I finished getting ready for bed, and ventured into the rest of Tobias’ apartment wearing another one of his shirts which drowned me more than the other one, coming up to my mid-thigh. I sat on his bed as Tobias left to shower.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, and didn’t want to fall asleep before he got out of the shower, so I went to look at his bookcase. Which is how he found me after he re-entered the room.

He wore a black shirt and some black baggy joggers. Something told me he wasn’t the type to sleep in many clothes, but he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable.

“Tris,” he said softly, coming up behind me, “you should get some sleep, I’ll take the floor.”

I shook my head in objection. “No, it’s your bed, and the floor is probably more comfortable than the initiate beds anyway.” I say before cringing, hoping that I didn’t come off as ungrateful.

He chuckled slightly. “Tris,” He started, and I sighed. I knew he was right, I did need sleep.

Not long after we each got into our own beds – or makeshift beds – we both fell straight to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, please leave kudos, comments, or suggestions down below:)


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